Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Quite recently you were saying something to me and then I said, I said to you that, oh, when you say people, everybody, what do you mean people? Oh, so you believe. And then I acted and you just laughing.
So what you mean is that. But when you enter the place, the. And then apparently the people you were.
[00:00:20] Speaker B: Talking about, it seem like the whole world.
[00:00:24] Speaker A: But what we, what we were doing is one.
Hello and welcome to my growth club. I want to say thank you for tuning into this episode. We are your host. My name is Emmanuel.
[00:00:39] Speaker B: My name is Grace.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: We are your partner in growth and effective living. I think today's conversation is one that you're going to enjoy. Yeah, because this conversation is.
I think we probably should have even had it, you know, in the first episode.
[00:00:53] Speaker C: I think so too.
[00:00:55] Speaker A: It changed so much for us. It changed our lives, it changed our marriage in ways that I cannot even describe. I mean, we've already talked about this mental picture of life that we had to throw away. We talked about how we synthesize so many books, so many teachings, a lot of, you know, knowledge and insight and research materials, you know, into this mental, you know, picture of life. What we call the state of flourishing. This is a beautiful, beautiful mental image of life. Something that you, you want to aspire to, rich, you want to grow into. Yeah, that's exactly what we are doing. We also talked about understanding life constraints. Yeah, you know, just our limitations really. We talked about the people constraints, the heart set of people, what they value and why. We talked about the mindset of people, you know, how we perceive things and why. We talked about the skill set of people, you know, what we do and how well we do them. And we talked also about the needs which I mean, Maslow did great job on. We also talked about the energy constraints. I mean, we don't have unlimited energy. We're going to get tired. You know. We also talked about material resources constraints. We don't know how all the material resources that we need for whatever we want. And so there is a need for us to live wisely. We cannot afford prodigal, extravagant and wasteful living. We have to be deliberate and wise. Today I want us to talk about that one thing that changed our marriage for good.
I mean, that changed our relationship for God. I am so thankful that we came to this understanding. For those who have the effective Living Journal. And if you want to get the Effective Living Journal, there's link to it in the description or the show notes. Please make sure you check it out. It's on Amazon. Get a copy Such a wonderful tool for you to take control of your mind, for you to sit with your thought long enough to understand what is.
[00:02:50] Speaker B: Going on in your head through this journey. And we are going to share more like.
[00:02:54] Speaker A: You change the mind.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: You change the mind. You change so literally everything.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: You change how you feel, you change how you live, you change how you react, how you act, everything just by changing that. Such powerful thing. So for those of you who have the General, you will see in page 53 what we call the identity behavior cycle. Oh, my goodness. This is, this was so eye opening. Yeah.
And, and I think the way we arrived others, I probably will talk about the, the latter event. I mean, the last event that made like that kind of crowned why this was so important, you know, which has to do with e.
I had traveled to Ghana. I came back and I remember taking Ethan to school one day.
We saw a dog. And all of a sudden he was so scared, which he didn't used to be. And you know, New York, I mean, people have dogs and people walking on the street with dogs. And, And I remember then when I picked him up from school, oh, that was, that was the worst. Oh, my goodness. Everybody. It's like the guy was just, literally just, he's just like. And I could, I was just looking at him, but I, I, I knew a bit of what was going on in his mind. I knew that that was wrong. Association of, you know, dogs.
[00:04:16] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:04:17] Speaker A: With a particular thing. So he had associated dogs with something.
[00:04:21] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:04:21] Speaker A: And so I came back home and I asked you that what happened? What. Why is he so scared of dogs.
[00:04:26] Speaker C: All of a sudden?
[00:04:27] Speaker A: Right. And, and you shared a story. You want to talk about that?
[00:04:29] Speaker C: Yes, yes, yes.
[00:04:30] Speaker B: I remember when you left to Ghana one time we, we are coming back to our apartment and when we go in France, someone was coming out of the building with her dog and she had not chained him. You know, I think it's a rule that people typically. Yeah. So apparently, I mean, the latter event was that the woman tells me the dog really loves children. He jumps at them. But when we saw the dog coming, me, I think it started with me because I saw the dog wasn't changed. I started shivering then.
[00:05:01] Speaker A: I think you're very scared of dogs.
[00:05:03] Speaker B: Yeah, very scared of. No matter how hard I try. But I think the general is helping me confront that. But I'll get to that. So because I started shivering, I, I didn't even see what was going on with Ethan, but the focus was on myself. And the dog also came, jumped at Ethan. Then Because I was shivering. He also started screaming. Then the woman took the dog away. I, I thought it was nothing. So we then walked to the elevator, and someone comes to the elevator with a dog. Then he was, I saw him shaking. So that was when I was like, oh, my goodness, did have I made my boy like me? Because it started with me how my fear of dogs started when I was little. One time, my friends and I went to. I mean, we're passing by someone's house and we saw a mango tree that had so many ripe mangoes. We're like, oh, can we get some? So we entered the place, and apparently there was a dog just there. And like, you know, in Ghana and maybe some parts of Africa, dogs are security guards. They are not pets. Like, all I care. So we entered and the dog started chasing. I ran and ran. The dog wouldn't stop. The dog chased me to, like, enter someone's grocery store. He literally used his teeth to tear my dress up. So someone saved me.
[00:06:13] Speaker C: Right.
[00:06:14] Speaker B: And since then, that was it. Like, no matter how hard I try, no matter how. I mean, even before you left to Ghana, you were telling me when I, I start shivering when I see dogs. You keep telling me it wouldn't hurt me no matter how hard I try. So it looked like I had imprinted that fear on Ethan.
[00:06:29] Speaker A: And I shared with you how I also, I definitely, I, I was so scared of dogs also. I mean, who wouldn't be? I think those DBs and that about people. But. But I was very scared of dogs also. And, and it changed when I, When I changed my mind. I, I, I just had to de. Associate dogs from danger. And that changed everything.
[00:06:51] Speaker B: I know this is so important with all the things you're about to talk subsequently, how even your experiences we've talked about in previous episodes.
[00:06:58] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:06:58] Speaker B: Someone living in America. I mean, you see kids so important.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: Even though where you grew up, the kind of experiences you have life so much like, because you are so much what your, I guess your brain has picked and learned and you know, you know, the way it has been trained by your environment. Environment through experiences. And so I, I love this because it shows this. I think I am. Because in the middle, which is more like an identity statement, and then it kind of surrounds it with some of the things that we don't really know is happening. It happens so fast that we cannot tell.
[00:07:39] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:40] Speaker A: There is a connection between your beliefs.
[00:07:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:42] Speaker A: And your perception and then your expectations and then your emotions and then your actions and your thoughts. And I remember just sitting with you. And I said, okay, this is how we are going to fix it. We're going to correct this.
[00:07:53] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:53] Speaker A: And that was so helpful. Right. Because we. I said, he has now believed that dogs are dangerous. They're going to attack him.
[00:08:03] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: So the only way we can fix it is for him not to believe that.
But here is the thing about beliefs. Beliefs are things that we've accepted to be true, not because they are true, but because we've accepted to be true. And so many people don't realize that, like, essentially a good part of their life is just what they have accepted to be true. The question is why? Right after this identity behavior cycle, there's a part where you test your beliefs, and I'm going to talk a bit about that. And so for Ethan, he had believed that the dogs were going to attack him. So he sees danger. So his brain has associated dog with danger. Right. And like, that's the way your brain is actually interpreting the environment, is just associating things with things. Yeah, right.
[00:08:54] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:55] Speaker A: And so he sees dogs is danger. Danger means you have to be afraid.
[00:09:02] Speaker B: You know, run away for your life.
[00:09:04] Speaker A: Literally. That's what is happening. And so how do we correct that?
[00:09:07] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:08] Speaker A: Okay. We need to make him believe that dogs are not dangerous. We needed to dissociate his brain from the perception of danger.
[00:09:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:19] Speaker A: And. And then we had to, like, when it comes to dogs. And then we had to associate his brain. We needed to let him know that dogs are not. Dogs are our friend.
[00:09:29] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:29] Speaker A: And. And so we had a neighbor who had a dog.
[00:09:33] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:33] Speaker A: So we took him there. And. And I touched the dog. And I said, you see, dogs are our friends.
[00:09:40] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: They're not dangerous.
[00:09:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:42] Speaker A: And. And then our neighbor had a son. And I said, the son also touched the dog. He says, ethan, you see, dogs are our friends. They're not dangerous. Now he. He's struggling to believe it.
[00:09:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:09:54] Speaker A: So he's then standing there, and I said, come, come, come touch him. So he moves closer. And then he stretches forth his hand to touch the dog. Nothing happens. And then we're like, you see?
[00:10:04] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: Dogs are our friends, dear. Not. We kind of repeating the same thing over dog. Our friends do not dangerous. And so he touches the dog. Now say, you see, you can come closer. Then he moves a bit closer. So you see, you can come closer. And. And you can still see in his face that he's so scared. But eventually he touched the dog.
[00:10:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:25] Speaker A: Now the same thing happened the next day, I think on the third time he touched the dog himself. And then that was it. It was corrected. Something that was so terrible, you know, for. For a period of time, it's like that was just corrected. So what happened is we moved his beliefs. Right? We fixed his beliefs. We needed him to believe that. Dogs are friends.
[00:10:48] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:48] Speaker A: Do not. And we could only achieve that through repetitions. We kept telling him. But then it's not just repetitions. We needed to also let him experience it.
[00:10:57] Speaker B: That was the thing. You know, I asked you that how could Ethan overcome this fear? That.
Because when I was feeling this journal, that was the thing to did. Because it's something I see around all the time. In the elevators, everywhere.
I still get scared. Recently I picked them from school.
[00:11:14] Speaker C: School.
[00:11:14] Speaker B: And he picks some food, puts in the mouth of the door. I was like, I was telling myself, how can't I get over? Is it because I'm older? You know, I think so.
[00:11:21] Speaker A: I think when you're young, your. Your brain is more plastic.
[00:11:25] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:11:25] Speaker A: In a way. Because I think your experiences are not that many.
[00:11:28] Speaker C: Many.
[00:11:29] Speaker A: And so it's easy for you to replace. You know, I cannot begin to emphasize how almost everything about our lives is just this pattern. Like this is what is happening. And because of it, he act a particular way. So you may just look at his action and say it. So irrational.
[00:11:46] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:47] Speaker A: I'm like. And we used to. We used to do this. I remember during the. When we kind of came to this understanding, we had a good chat. And one of the things I was sharing with you is, is that when you look at people's actions, you may just conclude that like, ah. But when you understand the cycle, you begin to realize, oh, it is perfectly okay for them. The reason is because of the way.
[00:12:13] Speaker B: And you know, in this experience has helped me to give people a lot of gr. Right, exactly. Because sometimes previously I. I always something that my. For me, I would have reacted differently. I. I was.
[00:12:26] Speaker A: You don't know why people who do it.
[00:12:28] Speaker B: Why would they do this? Why can't they see from the lens I'm seeing? But knowing that all these have been shaped by experiences, you know.
[00:12:35] Speaker A: You know, probably knowledge. And I love that because I. I remember just telling you the other time, in fact, before that, you know, many people that I've consulted when it comes to stuff like this, I think one of the things that maybe sometimes I will list and I'll say, okay, fine, I get how you feel. And then I try to walk them back. Right. You know, in the same cycle I walk them back. I'm like, okay, fine. Okay, tell me how you expected the person to react in this situation. And then like, probably 99% of the time their conclusion is, I didn't expect them to act this way. It's like that.
[00:13:12] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:13] Speaker A: Most of the problems we have is because people disappointed our expectations.
[00:13:18] Speaker B: And those expectations are also influenced by certain things.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: Exactly. So we are mad, we are angry because we didn't expect, like I expected someone to act this way, do this, do that, do that, do this, do that. And they didn't do it. Like, I've seen people live with, like, dogs and pets. They can live with them. In fact, sometimes the dog does something, they are so impressed. Why? Because, well, the dog, they believe that the dog is not rational. And so they don't have this kind of expectation of the dog. So if the dog, for instance, a dog poops, they can deal with it.
[00:13:50] Speaker C: Yeah, but we can't.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: Because again, we don't expect. We expect individuals to be rational. Yeah, we expect that you are rational, you will be rational, you should act rationally. Or we expect that you should act this way. Because I will act this way.
[00:14:06] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:14:07] Speaker A: Many people's relationship problems, this is the foundation. This is the bedrock. This is actually the cause of it.
[00:14:13] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:14:13] Speaker A: And so you walk them back and say, oh, but why are you perceiving the person this way? Why do you perceive your fellow human being in this perfect, you know, flawless way? Why don't you expect the person to have a mistake, like to make mistakes or to have a problem or to have an issue when you have a problem?
[00:14:34] Speaker B: Percent of the times for people I have personally spoken to, there's always an underlining belief. Like, like nobody had ever said, I'm expecting A, B, C, D to do this out of like nowhere. There's always another line.
[00:14:50] Speaker A: And those beliefs are shaped also by power knowledge. Like their beliefs, like form through experiences, you know, things that we're getting from our. Our senses. What many people don't realize is that your beliefs are influencing your perceptions. Your perceptions are influencing your expectations, your expectations are influencing your emotions, your emotions are influencing your actions, your actions are influencing your thoughts, and then your thoughts are influencing. The reason why this was a game changer is when I realized it was a cycle. Like, it was literally a cycle. That's why a lot of people are so difficult to change for all of us are so difficult to change because your thought will reinforce those beliefs. And so if the beliefs are wrong, you continue to be in that same. That is why someone can live like 70 years living the same way.
[00:15:43] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:15:44] Speaker A: Like wait, there's never been a point in your life that you had to pause to reassess them.
[00:15:49] Speaker B: In fact, if someone even points the person to another direction, they wouldn't see it.
[00:15:54] Speaker A: Exactly. They wouldn't see it. So that's what was happening with Ethan. For Ethan, he was. I guess he was just, okay, I perceive danger. And I think your brain is doing two things really. Pleasure and pain. So there's a part where in your experiences I say like imagine yourself literally walking through your own mind like. Like a land. Right. And. And the associate and reassociate. Just. There's so many experiences that your brain has associated with pleasure and pain. Or pain.
[00:16:23] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:24] Speaker A: Either way. And. And you don't know why. Right. Some. Some of them is just because it was really painful.
[00:16:30] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:30] Speaker A: Right. Some of them you hurt so bad. Some of them was danger. So for Ethan, the brain says this is danger. Danger is going to cause you pain. Avoid danger.
[00:16:40] Speaker C: Run. Run.
[00:16:41] Speaker A: Yeah, run. Just because of that experience or probably two experiences that. That made him conclude that because those thoughts are coming from his senses, what he's seen, what he's hearing, what he's. This is why experiences are so important.
[00:16:56] Speaker B: So important in fact in coming back to our lives. Right.
That's how come some people can even meet best guys or girls especially. Let me, I'm a woman. So best maybe men on earth, but they will still have certain weird expectations and perceptions really because of certain experience. Like you said, sometimes some people have been hurt so bad that in their thoughts all men are like this.
[00:17:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: So no matter how like we're talking about somebody can be 70 years, you're appointing him to the right. No matter how the guy is showing everything, sometimes just a little is like because of expectations. Something that doesn't even seem so like.
[00:17:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:35] Speaker B: And it's like, oh, he's. I knew it. I knew this.
[00:17:38] Speaker A: He was going to do that. They perceive that because of. And that is funny because I think sometimes it's not even their own experiences. Sometimes, like I said, this information, these thoughts are coming from your senses. So even what you're watching. So they've watched a lot of movies that men behave this way. And so is your brain is literally predicting actions, the next course of actions based on really like that's what your brain is doing is predicting the next course of action, you know, with the power knowledge. So it's kind of looking at the pattern or sequence or oh, okay. This is what's going to happen. And so a lot of people I've Talked to people that sometimes maybe they have any relationship issues. And I say, okay, tell me what caused. Like, what is what you experience or how you're feeling? And the moment they talk about their emotions, I walk them back.
[00:18:28] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:28] Speaker A: You know, through their expectations, then walk them back to their perception and bring them back to their beliefs. So I was like, okay, so tell me. Okay, what, how you feel. It's like, okay, I feel this way. Okay, let me. Do you know why you feel this way? And they're like, oh, because this person is. Okay, fine. Then. Then I will ask a question, mostly not directly, but then indirectly, I will ask about what do you expect, you know, from so. So and so in a situation like this? Oh, but I, I, most of the time, probably 99% the answer is I didn't expect him to.
[00:19:04] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:04] Speaker A: It's like, yeah, so. So there was a. There's a reason why you didn't expect the person to act this way. And this is such a powerful thing for us because it made me realize very early on in our relationship that if we were going to have a great relationship, we needed to be sure about three things, really. One, that our beliefs are true. What we believe about each other, like what I believe about me, what I believe about you are true.
[00:19:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:31] Speaker A: What Expect our, Our perhaps perceptions are true.
[00:19:36] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:36] Speaker A: Right. How we perceive things are true. Like what I'm perceiving. Is it true? Like what, but I'm seeing? No, no. What you're seeing and what you're perceiving.
[00:19:45] Speaker B: Are two different things.
[00:19:46] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:46] Speaker A: Your interpretation of what you're seeing is based on your prior knowledge, your prior experiences. Right. And sometimes even the way you feel, your emotion is like it's a cycle. It's a cycle. Right. And then also that what I am expecting, my expectations are true. If I can, If I can be mindful of my beliefs, my perceptions, my expectations, I can correct my emotions.
[00:20:10] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:20:10] Speaker A: If I can tell myself that how true is this belief, how true is this perception, how true is this expectation, then I can fix my.
[00:20:20] Speaker B: And I love the second. There's another part of the journal that.
[00:20:23] Speaker A: Helps us test, test your truth. And I say test your truth. Test, test. What is the most significant belief that is influencing, you know, this aspect of your life? Many people just are so lazy when it comes to having opinion. I, I told you this. Then I said, you know, we've got to be careful with forming opinions.
[00:20:43] Speaker B: Opinions.
[00:20:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:20:44] Speaker A: Because of this. There was a time and, and I think this was early, the early stages of our relationship. And I Used to be really react in ways that I, I thought it was very irrational.
Like we used to have unnecessary clashes, a lot of argument. And one day I was just walking back to my hostel and then I said, why do I raise my voice whenever you kind of oppose something or like whenever there is an argument, why do I raise my voice? And I had to be honest with myself. In fact, most of these things that we've built are built through years of self awareness. Years of sitting with my thoughts and yours long enough to understand what is really going on in our head.
[00:21:32] Speaker B: Being very honest.
[00:21:33] Speaker A: Yeah. With everything. And, and so I, I said to myself, well, I think I'm screaming because I don't feel heard.
Right. I scream because. Or I raise my voice because I think you're not hearing me.
[00:21:46] Speaker B: I remember you sometimes tell me, it's like sometimes when I'm talking to you as though I'm talking to a wall.
[00:21:51] Speaker A: Yeah. And it was so frustrating at that time. And so one day I said to you, I think I know the solution.
[00:21:56] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:21:57] Speaker A: And I said, whenever I'm saying something and we are talking, I just want you to say okay. Like I'm not saying say yes or no.
[00:22:04] Speaker C: No.
[00:22:04] Speaker A: It's not even like I'm telling you something, but I, I think I just want to feel heard. And then it, it, you know, it, it kind of was okay. It's like, wow, that one thing changed everything.
[00:22:16] Speaker B: Changer.
[00:22:17] Speaker A: Just because I, I felt like just say okay, and then now you can come in with whatever you think.
[00:22:22] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:23] Speaker A: But then I said, but why will I even want you to say okay? After some time it was working so well. But I still said, but why would I want you to say okay even though you go ahead like, why is this working?
And I realized that it was working because one, I was feeling hurt. But two is because I had an underlining belief that I'm rational.
[00:22:45] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:45] Speaker A: And so when I'm saying something, I know what I'm saying.
[00:22:48] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:49] Speaker A: That's why I wanted you to feel like, that's why I wanted you to say okay. That's why feeling head made me feel better. There was an underlining belief, what I call a sponsoring belief that was I am rational.
[00:23:01] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:01] Speaker A: And so I know what I'm talking about. I know what I'm saying. Even if I'm wrong, I am rational. And so I, I needed to also separate the two.
[00:23:08] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:23:10] Speaker A: Right. You, you wanted to say something.
[00:23:11] Speaker B: I think sometimes when people feel they are no head is like, it's like you, you indirectly Telling them that they are stupid. Like, it's like they don't even know what they are saying. So just me saying okay, it's like, oh, I respect the angle with which you are coming. It was so sudden.
[00:23:25] Speaker A: And I remember telling you that when you say okay, you are not admitting that whatever the person is saying is true.
[00:23:34] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:23:35] Speaker A: When you say okay, you are only saying I have heard you.
[00:23:38] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:39] Speaker A: The other person just the brain wants to hear. You've heard me.
[00:23:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:43] Speaker A: The brain wants to see that whatever it is trying to get across has actually happened.
[00:23:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:50] Speaker A: So you, you saying okay allows the persons to feel that their point has actually been received. The second thing about that is not only do you just say okay and then you leave it there. I think if you really want to improve on that conversation, one of the things that I think probably now has become a habit is is this, okay, I've heard you. I try to repeat what I think I heard you say.
[00:24:13] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:24:13] Speaker A: To you.
[00:24:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:14] Speaker A: Right. And so I'll say okay.
So what I think you're saying is. And sometimes I use the same words like I said, okay, I think you're saying that you believe that ABCD and because of it, you are seeing it this way.
[00:24:29] Speaker B: I think that's absolutely important because sometimes too people behave they heard, but they don't understand even what you are saying.
[00:24:37] Speaker A: Exactly. And by repeating it back to the people that was like maybe we say, oh, when we go. I remember one time like just quite recently you were saying something to me and then I said, I said to you that oh, when you say people, everybody, what do you mean people? Oh, so you believe. And then I acted and you were just laughing. I said, so what you mean is that for when you enter the place and then apparently the people you were.
[00:25:04] Speaker B: Talking about it seem like the whole world.
[00:25:08] Speaker A: But what we, what we were doing is one, okay means I've heard you. Two, by repeating what I think you are saying is allows you to correct where I'm wrong.
The reason why that is important is because of the cycle, there is a belief. And so you want to make sure that whatever thought is sponsoring this kind of belief is clearly communicated. It is able to be well received at the other side of it. And I think that if people, individuals start training their brain to think this way. This is why I love the general. Because what the general is doing is not enough. I mean they're not enough pages. We actually have to split them into three because they're not enough pages to allow you to go through every belief. And every thought. But it's training your brain to be able to see things better. You know, you're rewiring your brain to be able to. Oh, interpret things better as you see the things in the world, as you observe, as you hear, as you listen. I can imagine people in relationships just now having better communication because you, you are able to say, oh, okay, I think I, I've heard you. Yeah, right. What, what I think you are saying is this. And then walk them back. And, and if you do this, well, you can literally at every point of where they are. For instance, if it is an emotional response or reaction, you're able to walk them back from the. Their expectations to their perceptions, back to their beliefs through their thinking. Right. So. And it's, it's so therapeutic.
It just helps a lot. And, and I think we also have to emphasize that this takes time and practice.
[00:26:47] Speaker B: It does a lot.
[00:26:48] Speaker A: We still struggling with it sometimes.
[00:26:49] Speaker B: Exactly. It does, it does. I think even the person communicating, sometimes it even helps the person. Because me, I realized through this process that sometimes I have something in my mind.
[00:27:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:01] Speaker B: I think that is what I'm communicating.
[00:27:03] Speaker A: But apparently not what you are saying.
[00:27:05] Speaker B: So anytime you are repeating to me, then it makes me, oh, oh, no, that's not what I meant. Then I come back by, by just hearing it again.
Some, most people don't even know how to communicate things inside.
[00:27:16] Speaker A: Inside them. And I think if we get this right, we will get a lot of things right. This thing changed our mind, our marriage. This thing just changed every aspect of our lives because we were now able to take our belief seriously. Yeah, we just don't casually believe. In fact, this is why we set up the believers avenue.
[00:27:33] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:27:33] Speaker A: Because we realized that people needed to, to first of all rethink their beliefs about. And we host another podcast called Rethinking Beliefs. You know, people have to rethink their beliefs about God, about people, about themselves. This is the funny part. And this was so good. What I realized was our brain is trying to protect our identity.
[00:27:53] Speaker B: Identity.
[00:27:53] Speaker C: That's true.
[00:27:54] Speaker A: What we believe about ourselves is trying to protect it. And so what happens is, for instance, why do we feel envious and jealous because there's something we believe about ourselves and that if something is conflicting, the brain tries to avoid it.
[00:28:10] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:28:10] Speaker A: That's why whenever we feel like a lot of people who we know wouldn't watch our video, because, yeah, there's something to believe about them. Right.
[00:28:18] Speaker B: And they can do it better than they are doing.
[00:28:20] Speaker A: Exactly. So they cannot tolerate it. But People who don't know you easily can support or they can easily watch you or listen to you and take your console. Because of the way the brain works, there's an identity, there's something, there's a belief under life and belief. And I think that's. That was so helpful. I see a lot of people in relationships struggle with these kind of things. And I say this, listen. Well, if you have a lot of Carls probably listen to this, learn to say okay. Like and I. And I told you the same thing. When you are saying something, I'll just say okay. It's not because, because the moment I try to give you, like I act in a way that makes you perceive that, that I am trying to mean that you are not smart or you don't know what you are talking about.
[00:29:04] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:29:04] Speaker A: We are going to argue.
[00:29:06] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:29:06] Speaker A: But if you say okay sometimes. And I love this thing, I love it when I was like, oh God, thank you. You know, because one day like we did this and I, and I said to you, I think I've seen something with, with my brain. And I said whenever, like the okay part is one side. But then I would say, tell me, tell me the way you are perceiving this. Right.
You know, but, but I would say tell me the way you are perceiving this. And then I'll say to you, okay, this is how I am perceiving this. But then I'll say, but this is why I think our expectations conflict.
[00:29:44] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:29:47] Speaker A: Like literally in the circle, like the same words in the conversation. I was like such clarity in our conversation that changed everything. I'm like, oh wait, wait, yeah. What is really happening here? And, and I think many people don't realize that a lot of things have to do with the way they perceive it.
[00:30:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:03] Speaker A: And it has to do with the way they expect. Yes. Sometimes the way you are seeing something, the reason why you are feeling all this anxious could just be because of your beliefs, which is as a result of your prior knowledge through your experiences. What you have, you have experience with the environment.
[00:30:21] Speaker B: And, and the thing is one thing that makes, makes these things work would work like saying okay, I'm listening to you is training yourself because at, at the start of when you said okay, say okay. And if I'm. You're also talking, I'll say challenge. I remember like sometimes when you're talking I want to say, like I want to budge in and say why are you coming from. But so I had to train. It wasn't like all perfect, but that's one thing people have to know you need.
[00:30:46] Speaker A: I think it's something we still doing.
[00:30:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:48] Speaker A: I mean it's not like just holding your tongue. You're not going to say something. You just want to listen. Listen.
[00:30:53] Speaker B: He's not stupid. He's not, you know, listen to what.
[00:30:55] Speaker A: The person is saying.
[00:30:56] Speaker B: You know, just listen.
[00:30:57] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:58] Speaker B: So coach, training themselves well like, you know, to be able to embrace it is what makes this thing and that's.
[00:31:05] Speaker A: What growth is about. And that's why you are tuning to my growth club. This is why we share all the things that will help you. I am so thankful for that. And I, I could not, I couldn't imagine not knowing this.
[00:31:17] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:31:18] Speaker A: Because I wish someone helped me. When I was young. I, I was scared about many things. I was worried about many things. I, I gre many of. Of these unnecessary, I don't know, beliefs that just don't serve me well. There's a part where you do limiting beliefs. I tell you, you have no idea how your experiences have shaped you. Even the ones that you think were great experiences. You have no idea how they've shaped you and how they are. They are literally determining how you are related to things and how you feel.
[00:31:47] Speaker C: How you feel, how you relate with people.
[00:31:49] Speaker A: I think if people understood that they will, they will be done with depression in a month, I promise you. Like you, if you understand what is going on, you'll be, you'll be done with depression. Many of the things, anxiety. But you need to go back. I mean if you have the general. What we are talking about is in page 53. But go back to the earlier mind exercise on experience and begin from there. Walk through your life experiences. There's a. There was a way. We found we've kind of written the thing like as in what has your brain associated, you know, this experience with. And, and it's more about pleasure and pain. Right. Literally, that's, that's what is creating most of these expectations. And I think if you can correct that, if you can get your beliefs right, like this belief I have, how is it true? This perception I have or the way I'm seeing this, how is it true? This expectation I have, how is it true? Why do I expect that person to act this way? Why am I expecting this from this? A lot of the things that we experience and oh, I'm telling you, realize there's wrong beliefs, wrong perceptions, wrong expectations or unrealistic. Sometimes they may not even be wrong, but they are just unrealistic. That is not true. It's not.
[00:33:03] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:33:04] Speaker A: It's not realistic. It's not reality. Reality is reality. What? And, and I'll say this. Many people think that if they want something to be true, that thing is true.
[00:33:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:16] Speaker A: There's a big difference between what you.
[00:33:18] Speaker B: Want to be true and what is actually true.
[00:33:20] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:33:20] Speaker A: That's why I, I encourage people to do the next test where you test your most significant beliefs. Test them because there is what is true and what is not. And if they can fix that, we can. Like, the reason why people argue and fight is just because of their beliefs about themselves and about others.
[00:33:36] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:33:36] Speaker A: The Middle east, for instance, you see a lot of, of people in schools are not taught the right thing.
[00:33:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:33:42] Speaker A: Like the only way we fix the wars in the, in the world is by educating people to believe what is true about the others. Like if you continue to train people that those people are enemies.
[00:33:54] Speaker B: Enemies.
[00:33:54] Speaker A: If you continue to train people that, oh, this religion is demonic, it's devilish.
[00:34:00] Speaker B: Oh, it brings me back to when I was little, living in compound houses where sometimes your mother will tell you this, this woman and the child, they are very bad. Like, yeah, you believe it. So when you see them, your reactions to them as to whether why they are behaving, you don't, far as you've been trained, that these are evil people. You would.
[00:34:22] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:34:22] Speaker A: Well, this is all time will permit us, but it's been a good conversation. I want to say thank you for tuning in, sticking with us all this. Well, I hope that you learned something. We'll be back in the next episode next week and I, I, I promise you, you're gonna love it. If you've not subscribed, please do hit this.
[00:34:38] Speaker B: Hit the button.
[00:34:40] Speaker A: You know, as the channel grows, so will the discussions and content.
[00:34:43] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:34:44] Speaker A: So hit that and turn on the notification button. We have exciting news also to share with you and I'm happy to announce that we have our general and our notion system available now for sale. You can get them on our website, my growth club, don. Org. They're going to change your life. I promise you. It's going to take a lot, a lot of intentionality from you to grow. So take the first step now. This is our website, my growth club.org and check out these tools that will change your life. You can also find the, the links, the quick links right in the description down below. Please get them and, and then also let us have a feedback from you so that we can continue to improve and get these tools to be better. Thank you for sticking around and thank you for being here. Bye.
