How to Escape the People-Pleasing Trap

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to my growth club. My name is Emmanuel. [00:00:02] Speaker B: And my name is Grace. [00:00:03] Speaker A: Thank you for tuning in to watch us today. We are your partner in growth and effective living. We promise you you're going to love it here. So please, why don't you go ahead and hit the subscribe button right now. Go ahead and subscribe to our channel and do like and share this video with others. We are on a pursuit and we want to be on this pursuit with you to live effectively and to prioritize the things that really do matter in life and to live in a way that, that we find great satisfaction and fulfillment. So go ahead, go ahead and subscribe right now. Today we're going to talk about escaping the people pleasing Trump. This is one of the topics that I just love talking about. When we spoke about this, I still cannot forget that conversation really. And I know that we have a playoff game to watch and so we really want to get away from here. So we promise we're not going to keep long. We're going to make sure that we just go straight to the point and go watch our basketball game. I hope that is a good game. But we love you guys. So, I mean, it's not like we want to go. We, we really want to be here. [00:01:05] Speaker B: We love being here with you. [00:01:06] Speaker A: Yeah. So, but we're still going to go and watch our game anyway. So let's get into it. Escaping the people, please, in Trump. I, I do not know if you remember when we had this topic. It's, it's everything. It's everything. I think that the honesty when we, when we talked about this some, some months ago is, is everything. And, and I hope that people can have more of such conversations because we are social animals. We are social beings. [00:01:34] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:35] Speaker A: Like we, we want to make it seem as if we are so different. And you know, we are independent, came from space, you know, like, you know what I mean? Like we're some special beings, but really we are social beings. And what that means is that we take our value from society. We take our meaning from society. We take what is good and bad from society. We literally socialized. That's what that means. And, and we, we can think about agent of socialization. Like the family, which is probably the most powerful is the mediate is the first. That's where socialization begins. You can think about the schools, you can think about the media. You can think about your peers, your friends, your community. They made you who you are. There's a reason why you talk the way you talk and do the things that you do. I mean there's a good part of biology and there is also a good part of society. You remember the topic of nurturing and nature. There's a good part of our being that is from nurturing. The way we have been nurtured. The things that we have learned and the things that we have not yet learned. That's who we are. That's why we do the things that we do. What we know and what we don't know. But there is, there is also the effect of the socialization on us. [00:02:52] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:53] Speaker A: Because there are expectations. Expectations from society. [00:02:58] Speaker B: Exactly right. [00:02:59] Speaker A: That they've really been programmed into us. Expectations on how you should look, you know, how you should talk, how you should be. If I don't look like something, then I am not something, you know. And it's even terrible with women because in our society we have objectified women in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to beauty. A beautiful woman looks like this. [00:03:25] Speaker B: And you know, when you say society has shaped us, it's really true because it's as though there's this blueprint we are all following. And it's even more true because your, your, your scenario with women right now. Beauty being defined in Africa sometimes tends to even be different in a western country. [00:03:45] Speaker A: It's true. I mean in Africa it's like you looking too skinny forg you eat. It's like what? [00:03:51] Speaker B: Exactly. So because depending on weight, everybody looks the same. [00:03:55] Speaker A: Our mothers look the same, they have the same weight. And so if you are not that same weight and then it's almost like, oh, I need to gain weight. [00:04:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:03] Speaker A: So I need to do this, I. [00:04:04] Speaker B: Need to do that elsewhere. [00:04:06] Speaker A: And it's like, ah, everybody looks like that. [00:04:08] Speaker B: And then you have to, you know, it's like that. You, you are so right and on point. Because the society now determined because if it was true, there was one truth everywhere or everywhere would have been. You know, that's the thing. When we're discussing this topic, one thing that I, I mentioned was that I, I kept thinking, right? Because all this sometimes stem from childhood. And you said like the family is a great agent of socialization. Probably the greatest, right. Even growing up in families, the desire to even fetch in your family, the desire to make your parents proud in certain ways. Because if I have like five kids, you know, it's like, okay, all of you must pursue will be ties. If you are from Africa and you tell your, your child, your child that want to maybe be a particular type of. When I grew up what do you want to be? One would say, I want to be a doctor. One would say, you know, because the society has even shaped certain careers. When you say, your. Your father will say, God forbid. Hey, why would you even say that? [00:05:09] Speaker A: It's like, and if you are smart, you have to be a doctor, you have to be a lawyer, you have to be an accountant. If you don't fall in that bucket, then you become this. It's always. It's kind of strange, right? But look at how much effect that has on us. It does. It does have such great effect on us. It shifts everything, in fact. So when you meet someone who says, I'm like this, immediately there's a. Something that is triggered in you. Oh, then this person is smart. Yeah. It's like, oh, I'm a doctor. Oh, yeah, you are smart. It's like, oh, I'm a lawyer. Oh, oh, you know, but maybe I'm. I'm this, I'm that. And so you find out that. [00:05:46] Speaker B: Why didn't you finish college? If you mentioned that probably you may have even finished, but because it's not those type of jobs. [00:05:53] Speaker A: Especially entrepreneurship. [00:05:54] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:05:55] Speaker A: Recently, when we were talking about, I. I said, like, I don't know why Africans like to consume. We like to spend. It's like, you know, we think about success and greatness in just what you buy. [00:06:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:10] Speaker A: Not what you sell. [00:06:11] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:06:12] Speaker A: And I said this in key, that if you want to be successful and great, of course, there are different ways, depending on what success means to you. But if you really want to build great wealth. And I said this, and your mom was really laughing, like. [00:06:33] Speaker B: That was profound. [00:06:33] Speaker A: Actually, you know, because the truth is, Africans have. I'm so sorry that I'm generalizing this, but from where I come from, I think it might be true for many of you. Like, we like buying. Yeah, we don't like selling. We like to buy things. Like, the moment an African gets a job, I'm gonna buy a car. I'm gonna buy a house. I'm gonna buy stuff. Everything about us is buying. I'm not saying we are buying something to sell. We are buying. We just want to buy stuff. [00:07:06] Speaker B: Like, I'm planning to buy a private jet tomorrow. You know, that's already. [00:07:11] Speaker A: Like, we just want to buy stuff. Why don't we want to sell stuff? No, because I remember when I was young. I'm serious. When I was in JHS junior high school and maybe on vacation, we wanted to sell. There are people who thought if you sell, you poor. [00:07:28] Speaker B: Oh, my God, You I love this example you gave. When I was in high school, I mean, I mean senior high school. My, my. Everyone knows my story. My mom was very poor. We didn't have much. So there was one vacation that I, I was like, okay, I don't know. I'm going to raise my school fee. So I decided to join my dad to go to, you know, he was selling at the market. So I joined my went to buy handkerchiefs and you know, I was in a brick house. You know, I said I'm going to sell handkerchiefs. I was a bit popular. I was a, A prophet. [00:07:59] Speaker A: And you were shy. [00:07:59] Speaker B: I was shy. I took some scarf, covered my face. Yes. For selling, I had covered my face and I'll just. Handkerchiefs. [00:08:08] Speaker A: You don't want people to know because it's like, like why are you selling? That's the point. And, and this is the thing that has. Is really been built to us that even when we finish school and people want to create a business, they want to sell something, they're shy, everybody wants to get a job because we still, we've been shaped that way. And many times we don't realize that the way we feel is coming from our society, the way we have been shaped. Another example is competition. We know we have been. We have been, you know, back in school where we have first, second, third and fourth and all those kind of things. We have created this unnecessary competition. The African is, is terribly competitive. In fact, not in a positive competition sense, in a negative competition sense. You have people who are competing you just because I can't let you be first. No, it's not even the fact that you're really first is that I perceive you to be first. I. I just can't. [00:09:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:13] Speaker A: And so I have to pull you down. I have to slander you. I have to find a problem with you. I have to find an issue with you. And we have created it. It's so terrible that sometimes, like you, I just wish. I don't want to call you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to be part of your circle because I'm not your competition. [00:09:28] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:09:29] Speaker A: Like I said this, I. Why have we made each other? This is how terrible this is. So far as I know you. Oh, so far as we are. We are in the same class. So far as we are the same year group. So far, if, if I don't know, you're fine. So far as I know you, we are in competition. We are in competition. It's about who is first. It's about who gets what first. It's about who is doing well and who is not. Extend that to the extent that we. We are unhappy when people have things. [00:10:01] Speaker B: And we don't have that we don't. [00:10:02] Speaker A: Have and we get happy when even calamity happened to people. Can you imagine that's how bad this is. [00:10:11] Speaker B: Well, you are saying I have this exam. It may be trivial, but like as you were talking, I just remembered something that happened when I was in junior high school. And I can see how this. It's sometimes subconscious. Right. We don't know, but it's. It goes a long way to follow us through life. [00:10:27] Speaker A: Life. Yeah. [00:10:27] Speaker B: I was almost always first in class. I joined a new school and the moment I joined, I was first. Right. And there were like people who were very smart. [00:10:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:36] Speaker B: So because of that, there are some guys. I. I was their enemy for some reason. And there was one time, my. And every time when the exams is marked, I have 100. 100. I don't know what happened. I. There was this subject. I had hundred one guy put my paper and then he. [00:10:54] Speaker A: They were. [00:10:54] Speaker B: They were looking to make sure the teacher, you know. [00:10:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:57] Speaker B: And then they saw one that the teacher had missed. Then, I mean, I came to 98 or something. I mean, back then, because we are all competitive. I started crying. And then they were happy. They were literally rejoicing. [00:11:08] Speaker A: And we grow with it. [00:11:10] Speaker B: And we grow with it. You were talking about. It seemed like a trivia example, but it just blew my mind. But I'm like, it's so sad. They were literally some of them, the decks like people who know they're happy because even confirm. What? You didn't get the hundred because I didn't get 100. [00:11:23] Speaker A: I just hate this thing that we have created. I. I'm not your competition. The fact that you know me does not mean I'm your competition. I'm not your competition. [00:11:30] Speaker B: Social media is now even amplifying it. [00:11:33] Speaker A: Even amplify the. In fact, that's why Facebook probably failed because Facebook thought, oh, people are friends. Let them follow each other. Let them post about life. And then they realized that, oh, they are really not friends, they're actually enemies. So. So Facebook, I mean, they should change their friends to enemies like the people who follow you. She. And then that's. I'm serious. That's how come TikTok and other things started picking up because TikTok said, We're not going to show your videos to the people who know you. We're going to show it to Random people. Because random people will follow you and they will appreciate the value in you rather than the people who know you. Facebook thought, oh, I mean, let's just have friends and, like, classmates and groups. Friends. And now go check Facebook. Everybody has left. Because we realized that, no, my classmates were not my friends. Even though we used to say, you're my friend. Like, I always say, not everyone who you call your friend is a friend. [00:12:24] Speaker B: Your friend. Yeah. [00:12:25] Speaker A: And it's okay. We have been built in this way. We have been groomed in this way. And I. I want to say this. It's not your fault. Again, I'm not. I'm not justifying this terrible attitude of ours, but it's. It's with everyone. It's. It's with everyone in a way that we don't find. It's so bad. I'll give you an example. One day, I had traveled for my brother's wedding in the Volta region, and then I was returning. I was returning with your. Your parents. And there was a car that was exactly like my car that came to pass. Like, as in, we were all just. And the car actually overtook my car, and I hated every bit of it. I was like. I mean, Land Cruisers and others were passing my car, but not you, Civic. You can't pass my car. And so I tried to. I said, no, no, no. I tried to also pass, you know, and then when I tried passing, I hit this pothole. And. And your mom was like, is. And then I was like, but what I'm doing is silly. Why am I creating. Just because a car that looks like my car decided, like, overtook my car. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna kill people because of it. And so what I decided is, no, let the car go and follow the car. And wherever the car will hit the portal, I can be able to swerve the portal. I promise you, it's the most seamless. It was such a wonderful ride when I just decided that, you know what? You're not my competition. You go. [00:13:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:54] Speaker A: Because I didn't know the road anyway. And so wherever he hit the portal, I also just swerved the portal. I'm serious. And I had a great time. And I said, you see, life is not about who is first and who is second and who is last and who is this? We've been shaped by our society, our education system, our friends. And it's such a terrible thing, but because of it, we have created traps. And this is what we call the people pleasing trap. And I think that if you Want to live the life that you really want. Effective living is when you recognize these people. Pleasing traps that we have a lot of time. You know, I remember back then and when we talked, some of the things were so honest. So we can share them here. But you know, we talked about instances where I did something for you and because I didn't post it, you were not happy. [00:14:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:50] Speaker A: Right. [00:14:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:51] Speaker A: Like, I mean we had a wonderful time, but because I didn't post. [00:14:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:56] Speaker A: I didn't take a picture of it and post it for people to see it. You were not so happy. And, and, and, and we had to accept and admit it because we can't build a marriage like that. Right. So where if I don't show how happy I am making you. [00:15:12] Speaker B: Oh my. [00:15:13] Speaker A: It means it is not in the act itself that you find value in. It is in the social valid validation you get. [00:15:22] Speaker B: Like people can say, wow, so much in love. [00:15:25] Speaker A: Wow. Happy. [00:15:27] Speaker B: Oh, who are these people? [00:15:30] Speaker A: They don't matter to us. They don't even care. They don't matter. In fact, many people just look at it and say, look at them. They can't wait to see that your marriage has failed. And yet we think we should please them. We can please them. We should let them see it. Because what, what do we get? Calcium. Like, what do we get, what do we, what do we get from people? You know, because they're like, oh, these are my friends. [00:15:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:57] Speaker A: You know, I want them to like, we never grow out of it. When I was young, when they bought me a shoe, I could not wait for my friends to see my shoes. [00:16:05] Speaker B: Oh my God. [00:16:06] Speaker A: That's how social animals we are. [00:16:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:16:09] Speaker A: Because the worth of the shoe is in the validation I get from the people. [00:16:16] Speaker B: That's why sometimes you see couples, like especially forgive me, some celebrities and all that. Even let's say, let me portray it in movie. Like people are really fighting. You know, they are at loggerheads at home. They don't respect each other. Maybe because they are on like. Yeah, yeah. Celebrity stars, they come to public hand, they hold their hands and then once they. Everyone is not watching, they just let. [00:16:39] Speaker A: Then they go. Yeah, yeah. People that exactly. [00:16:41] Speaker B: They have to look, they have, they have to because they have to appear that they are happy. [00:16:47] Speaker A: Because they just have to appear some way to people. [00:16:49] Speaker B: Appear some way even though they are not. And that's why it's very critical for everyone to identify that this trap really exists. [00:16:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:57] Speaker B: And the need for us to escape it. [00:16:59] Speaker A: A lot of people are caught up in this trap. They don't realize it. The marriages. It's like some people even will buy themselves vows their gift so that they can post it and they can show the people that someone that they love or their boyfriends and girlfriend because they just can't take it. A lot of us are rushing into marriages because of that. A lot of us are making very silly, stupid decisions because of that. We are spending money on things just to please people. We are buying things we just wouldn't need. We don't need just to please people. We think that if we did it, people are going to think so high of us. Do you really think so? How many people do you think high off just because they bought stuff? You don't. A lot of time you are jealous and envious. And so why do you think people are just gonna clap for you and be happy for you just because you spent some crazy money on something? And so we are buying things we don't need. We are doing things that just. [00:17:56] Speaker B: They just. Performance. Right. When it comes to report when we had this conversation and we had to really be honest. Like you said, we can't share everything here. But some of the things about. And for me, I had to admit, it got to a point in our marriage that I felt like. And we. I think we mentioned it in one of the episodes. [00:18:12] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:13] Speaker B: That everything that you do for me, I need to show it because. [00:18:16] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:16] Speaker B: Of the comments I get from people because it made us seem like we are so much in love. Yes, we were in love. But I. I realized that, you know, and I realized that I was liking the people seeing and commenting and say, wow, I want to be like, you guys done. You know, you being you being you. [00:18:35] Speaker A: Enjoying the moment. You're having a good wonderful time. [00:18:40] Speaker B: Performance. And they start losing the connection. [00:18:42] Speaker A: That's because that's a profound thing. [00:18:44] Speaker B: Instead of now sitting now. Oh. Looking into your eyes, appreciating you. It's like for you to finish. We are maybe put. We are like. We are. [00:18:53] Speaker A: We are all just acting. Acting. We are acting. We're trying to be a character that we're just not. [00:18:59] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:19:00] Speaker A: In real life, we just. I do not know if it is a bad thing or a good thing, but it's. It's a terrible thing if it is affecting the way you live your life. Really. If you have a bad marriage, you have a bad marriage. [00:19:12] Speaker B: Just fix it. [00:19:13] Speaker A: No matter how many. How. How you show the world that you have a good marriage. You have a bad marriage and you have to be honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what you buy. For people to think you have wealth or you have money and you have become successful, you are just not. [00:19:27] Speaker B: And the way this thing has shaped us. I remember back in, even senior high school, people could even like deny who their parents are. They have visitors, they say, oh, that's. [00:19:38] Speaker A: That'S not my parents. [00:19:39] Speaker B: That's my maid, my sister, every mom, they'll say my maid at home. [00:19:43] Speaker A: Just because they are shy. They don't, they don't know how people will perceive them. And you think we grow out of this? We don't. [00:19:49] Speaker B: We don't. [00:19:50] Speaker A: We just get better. We become better actors, but we don't grow out professional actors. We, we act. So yeah, back then I, I, oh no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't say that. But I had people who will say all kinds of things. We make up stuff even where we stay. We pretend that we stay at a place. When we don't stay there, we lie. Yeah, we. Every part of our life is to fit a particular thing that we have in our mind that society is expecting from us. Or you know, a standard that we have in our mind that society is expecting us to reach every part of it. So it's like, oh, they didn't like this thing that I said, they didn't like my post, or they didn't do this, or they didn't. Every part of it is just that we, we rather care more about being perceived rather than being. That's the whole point of the identity, you know, where we care more about how people perceive me rather than being it. That's why we buy all these things as women to look a particular way. [00:20:52] Speaker B: Oh my God. [00:20:53] Speaker A: That's why we do. [00:20:54] Speaker B: We can't even breathe when they, when they get home. Then the sun pops up from that thing that is squeezing it. [00:21:00] Speaker A: We just want to, we want to be perceived at something because there is a way society. Okay, this is beautiful. This is not beautiful. This is good. This is not good. This is successful. This is not successful. And we think we own them. We don't, we just, we don't even know who society is. We just don't know. We just don't know who, who are these people, who, who is defining them. Like if you, if you met everybody and asked them, what do you think? What do you think everybody thinks differently. So then, but again, someone says something that I like. He says, society is normalized averages. And I thought it was powerful. You know, what it means is that society is not the best of the best. Society is when averages Become normalized. Wow. You know, and I thought it was so powerful. It means that if everybody thinks this way. Right? [00:21:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:21:55] Speaker A: And then you think that way, then you're not going to be fitting in. And so you, you're gonna feel like, oh, there's something wrong. Yeah, you have to come to the standard of society. But society cannot, cannot have high standard because it's a bunch of people. It's, it's a lot of people. And so we have just average standards. It doesn't mean, it doesn't mean that everything is average. Of course we aspire to be the best. We aspire to be some things, but sometimes what is best here is not best there. Exactly what we think. Like, you think you were a hero here you go there. [00:22:30] Speaker B: You are not champion. [00:22:31] Speaker A: I'm telling you, I'm serious. Like, so you go to Ghana, you think, oh, and then you travel out of Ghana is like. Or, you know, you don't know me. It's like no one knows you, you know, and so we chase these kind of things and it makes zero sense. And that is why I want us to focus on how we can escape the people pleasing trap. And I think that the first thing is for us to recognize that there is such a trap. [00:22:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:54] Speaker A: And you have to see it. You as a person, as an individual, you have to really see it. And if you do not recognize that you are in such a trap, you cannot get out of it. [00:23:04] Speaker B: Exactly. Yeah. [00:23:05] Speaker A: So you're gonna. No, no. You have to first begin to know that you are in a trap. Most of us, all of us are in that trap. And then now we can see how we can get out of it. I don't think we can completely get out of it, but let's look at how we can. We can defeat that, especially when it comes to our decisions. I mean, we marry because of that. We buy things because of that. We choose some schools, some things, we just do everything because of it. So how do we make sure that the influence or the impact of such a trap is very minimal on our decisions? Yeah. [00:23:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:23:41] Speaker A: Okay, so let's look at this in the general say. First, look at the decision you're about to make. Okay. What is the decision you're going to make? Oh, you're about to make. Maybe I'm going to marry. Maybe I'm going to buy something. I'm going to buy a car, I'm going to buy this, I'm going to buy that. Maybe I want to do this particular thing. What is the decision that you want to Make. The second question that you want to ask yourself is, how do I think people will perceive me by this decision? Because whether you like it or not, many times this is what is driving you. Yeah. How do I think people will perceive me by this decision? Like, oh, if I buy this thing, how do people. How will people perceive me? Oh, wow. [00:24:22] Speaker B: Like you. [00:24:22] Speaker A: Wow, look at the car. [00:24:24] Speaker B: So successful. [00:24:25] Speaker A: Oh, wow. Like, look at. Or how do you think people are going to perceive you? A lot of time we exaggerate what people are going to perceive in our heads. We think that when we show up. You know, we shared this before when we bought your sister a shoe that. [00:24:39] Speaker B: Oh, God. [00:24:40] Speaker A: And then I. She said, hey, like, I can't wait, my friend. I can't wait. And I said this girl, like, what do you think that people are going to do? Like, you think they're going to lie down? They're going to say, oh, my goodness, you were wearing original Nike. Yeah, that's not really what's going to happen. Some people may do that. Some people are gonna look at that jealous, too. No, girl, like, look at you. And so we exaggerate. [00:25:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:07] Speaker A: In our head oftentimes how people are going to perceive us, especially when it comes to the positive. But it is also true when it comes to negative. Sometimes we also exaggerate the negative. Sometimes you're going to make a decision that is really important. It's supposed to be the decision you make, and then you exaggerate the negative. You just tell yourself, oh, people are going to laugh at me. [00:25:29] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:29] Speaker A: Or people are going to tease me. [00:25:31] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:31] Speaker A: Or people are going to say, look at the guy you're marrying. Oh, my God. Let me tell you this. All of these are just in your head. I promise it. They're just in your head. The second question that you also can ask yourself is, well, why does this way of people seeing me. Why does it matter for people to see me this way? [00:25:53] Speaker B: Yes. From. I mean, I think one. One of these days I had to go through this part of the journal because I was about to make a decision, and I really. And one thing we've decided is to be very honest when we are filling this journal. And that's what we encourage everyone, because without honesty, then you'll not be able to be a better, better version of yourself. Because we are on a pursuit of growth, which we want to go with you. Right. And sincerely, I actually wrote down that people would think I'm doing well when I go to this part of the question. [00:26:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:25] Speaker B: Like, I just wrote It. Because I feel like if I take. [00:26:28] Speaker A: This decision and how was it true? [00:26:31] Speaker B: I can't even test it. [00:26:34] Speaker A: Like you think people really would think, you know. [00:26:36] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, I actually wrote that. [00:26:38] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:38] Speaker B: And that's changed how I was going to make that decision. My exact. And I feel like when it comes to this point, in all the points we'll mention, it all boils down to being honest. [00:26:50] Speaker A: Yeah. Because when you are not honest, you do it because you thought people are gonna. And then you put your family, you put your future in jeopardy just because you were just not honest with yourself or you never even thought about this. The third thing that you can also do is to ask yourself, if I do what will please them? Here are the benefits to me. Like if I. If I do what will please these people, whoever they are? [00:27:13] Speaker B: Whoever they are. I know. [00:27:14] Speaker A: Here are the benefits to me. Here's. Here are the things that I'm going. [00:27:17] Speaker B: I mean, I feel like sometimes people are faced with real challenges, like where they're able to even identify those people. Because sometimes those people can be immediate family, like making decision on a. On a man or a woman to marry. Right. Maybe your family is saying this or, you know, the kind of person your family is expecting you to bring. [00:27:37] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:27:37] Speaker B: So let's say if you identify your target group or you identify who the people are, especially when you're in that deep dilemma when you get help, like. [00:27:46] Speaker A: This is a benefit to me. Start with you, because you are just thinking about them and yet you're not thinking about the benefit to you. Sometimes the only benefit is that, well, they're going to say, wow. That's the benefit you're throwing your whole life for a while for wow. Oh, congratulations. Or the only benefit will be that, well, you've escaped that state, you know, of singlehood or whatever or whatever it is, or you, you or people are just going to come to your house and they're gonna say, wow, like you're a man. Or people are gonna see you in a car and say, wow. Like, is that what you really think you're gonna. Is that the whole point? Is that what you are trading your life and your future for? Is that what you really want? So just be honest and tell yourself what will be the benefit for me? And the second thing is. Well, which is the fourth, really? But the second thing to this is ask. Well, if I do, what will please them? Here are the positive. The possible negative consequences on my life, you know, and those I care about. So now ask yourself that. Here are the negative Things if I please them. You know, first you're asking yourself, here are the benefit to me if I please them. Many times, there are no benefit to you if you please them. I'm serious. There are no benefit to you if you please them. All my life, like anytime I'm going to make these. I just realized that now, if I just follow these people, there will be no benefits to me. [00:29:12] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:29:13] Speaker A: And then the second question will be the negative. And you realize there are so many negatives. Sometimes. [00:29:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:19] Speaker A: Or sometimes the other way too. Could be true that there is a decision you're supposed to make, but because you didn't work yourself out, you didn't notice, sincerely, you didn't notice that these are the benefit. And so we also extend this to the other side in the general. You realize that there is also the other side, which begins with why I think this decision is wise and prudent. Because I. I want you to think about your decisions in two ways. What this, the way they will perceive me is more emotional. It's driven by your emotions. Oftentimes it's nothing logical. And then there is the prudent path and the wise path. [00:29:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:56] Speaker A: Right. That's why we've broken them into two. So that that one also begins with that. And then the second thing with that is if I make this decision, here is how it will impact me positively or how it will benefit me positively. So look at that also and ask yourself, if I make this decision, here is how it will impact. It will impact positively those I care about and other important areas of my life. [00:30:24] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:25] Speaker A: And then you ask yourself, if I don't take this prudent path, here are the possible negative consequences on my life and those I care about. You'll be amazed. You're like, wow. Like, you just be amazed how stupid sometimes we are. And every part of our life is just driven. And then unfortunately, because we are both emotional beings and rational beings, when we allow these emotions to drive us, we later find rational explanation for those illogical, illogical decisions. [00:30:58] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:30:58] Speaker A: And so we would say, oh, you know, when I made it, it was not because I was. No, it's just because you were driven by either. You were driven by the emotions of pleasing people, right? [00:31:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:12] Speaker A: Like what you thought the benefit will be if you please people, even though you never admitted them or you never even thought about these kind of things and you allowed society to drive you. But here is our advice for you. Try and focus on being becoming rather than being perceived as. Because you see, people can perceive you any way you want. But at the end of the day, if you are, is up to you. If you are not, is up to you. People can perceive you as the best and the best, the smartest and the smartest. The wisest of the wisest. If you are, is up to you. If you're not, is up to you. People can perceive you as the most beautiful, the most eloquent. You are, you are the most super fantastic. Whatever it is, if you are, is up to you. If you're not, is up to you. What people perceive you us is not as important as who you really are. [00:32:13] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:13] Speaker A: I'm not saying it's not important at all. It could be important. I get that. Of course. Because if you're going to get a job, the way people perceive you matter if you are going to maybe get award or stuff like that. Like in society, people are going to judge you by how they perceive you. So I'm not saying it's important. It's not important. But I'm saying when it comes to your life, how you live your life, it is more important being thank. Being perceived as. [00:32:43] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:44] Speaker A: Because if you focus on being, chances are that you will be perceived as. [00:32:50] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:32:50] Speaker A: But if you focus on being perceived as, chances are that you may not be it. [00:32:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:57] Speaker A: And one day you will realize that no one cares about you. The way you think. And a lot of the things in your head, the way you think people perceive you are just exaggerated. We think that people will like us, people will see us as heroes. Look at the world. Is that what you think? Is that what you see? The most beautiful are sometimes the people with the most haters. The smartest are sometimes with the most haters. That's the way the world is. [00:33:27] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:28] Speaker A: So forget about that and focus on being well. This is all time will permit us. Thank you, really for joining us. And thank you, my, my sweet, sweet, sweet lovely Valentine for joining me today. We're gonna get back to our playoff game and we'll catch you guys another time. Peace out. Love you and make sure you subscribe. [00:33:52] Speaker B: Please subscribe to all of our general okay, bye.