Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: We don't need to think about intimacy as something that, okay, 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock, we done. We're not going to come.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: I think, I think what we saw, our mothers and fathers in the past, you see women, they've come from maybe market or wherever, they bath, put some.
[00:00:18] Speaker A: Powder, and then they now come like.
[00:00:20] Speaker B: I'm here, you know, ready for action.
[00:00:24] Speaker A: You don't want to do that. I, I mean, for me, I was like, listen, we don't need to have, yeah, you can have time, you can do all those kind of things. But we can, we can allow our like, our life to like, intimacy to fuse in whatever we do.
[00:00:41] Speaker B: Exactly right.
[00:00:43] Speaker A: There are times where you literally. We are with the babies and, and we're doing crazy things.
[00:00:49] Speaker B: You're spoiling me. PG18.
[00:00:52] Speaker A: Now.
[00:00:53] Speaker B: Don't do that.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: Stop.
Hello and welcome to my growth club. My name is Emmanuel.
[00:01:03] Speaker B: And my name is Grace.
[00:01:05] Speaker A: We are your partner in growth and effective living. I want to say thank you for always tuning in to watch us on this particular podcast. If you were yet to subscribe to our channel, it will be our greatest delight. If you can just hit the subscribe button and turn on your post notification. We have some wonderful things to be sharing with you guys. And I mean, we are just getting started. We've been talking about so many wonderful things. We've talked about the worldview that didn't serve us well. The mental picture of successful life that I think was completely flawed. It set our heart on this unnecessary fight in competition with people. And even when we didn't feel like that, we still felt like if we didn't achieve something, then we fall short, which we're not always in our control. Right. And so we threw that away and then we adopted what we call the effective living model. And I think that has been fantastic for us. And we've talked a lot about that. We also talked about the constraint of life. For those of you who are watching us on video, at least you get the privilege to see the images as we share them on your screen. Unfortunately for those who are listening to us, perhaps on Apple podcast or Spotify, you may not be able to see it, but you can Obviously go on YouTube and you will see what we are talking about. You know, but we, we've talked about all these things.
The, the constraints of life, the people constraints. We've talked about the energy constraints, we've talked about the resources, you know, constraints and, and how all these things affect the way we live our lives. Yeah, we Also, you know, drew it down to our choices, you know, choices that we make.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: All comes down to choices.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: It all comes down to choices, I tell you. And. And then we.
How we can argue better to be able to make good choices. And last week, we confronted one of the biggest challenge I think a lot of people have. We also had it. That is being able to define what success, you know, means to us. Because you want to be sure that, again, the reason why you are not happy, the reason why you are doing all the things that you're doing is for the right cause. Right. And the successful life you chase, you know, the feeling of success that you're chasing is actually something that is close to reality. Else you are just punishing yourself for something that does not really exist or something that is completely personal. You know, Completely personal. And so I think that was a good conversation today. I want us to focus more on actions, you know, and how we can take the actions that will lead us to the life that we really want, how we. How we plan and how we take actions. And this is the reason why this is an important thing for us today. Discuss. You know, when we talked about the constraints. Not. Not on the podcast, like in real. In our home.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: And I think something became very clear, which is our challenge. Our biggest challenge is not going to be because we don't love each other.
[00:04:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:11] Speaker A: Our biggest challenge is not going to be because we don't want to be with each other. Our biggest challenge is not going to be because we don't want the same thing for each other. I think the biggest challenge was not being able to do the things that we know we have to do.
[00:04:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:26] Speaker A: Not being able to afford the things we know we have to. Have not been able to achieve the things that we want to achieve. Not being able to, you know, even just do the basic things that we know we have to do. For instance, we want to spend time with each other, but not being able to spend time with each other. I know many people who are watching this, especially if you're in university or high school, it's going to sound like. Like, if you really want to spend time, just spend time, spend time.
And it was a challenge because, you know, back to the constraints, you know, all these things that you have to do, and yet you don't even have.
[00:05:03] Speaker B: Enough energy, you don't have enough resources, you don't have enough to be able to do them.
[00:05:08] Speaker A: Right. You want to afford some things, like you want to go on vacation, and yet you don't have maybe the Money to be able to afford it. Even if you have it, you are, you cannot be everywhere at the same time. You expected to go to work even if you can take vacation. Well, they are the children who have to go to school, so. Well, then they take a break and you go out with them. And then if you go out with the children, then you have to still divide your attention.
[00:05:35] Speaker B: Is like, even when they're on vacation, sometimes who to even help to take care of them becomes another challenge. So you're not able to either. You carry them to the vacation and spend all the time, you know, so we want to maybe have a time alone sometimes, depending on your situation, you can do that, you know, even.
[00:05:53] Speaker A: Even when you have help, then you were like, okay, fine, you can go, you can go on vacation, but it's not going to be forever. Right. You can go for vacation for just like about a week or two, even a month.
[00:06:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:04] Speaker A: And then you're back to the very same life. And sometimes that is where the problem is. That is where the problem is. During vacation, a lot of people have a good time.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:12] Speaker A: Then they come back to the time.
[00:06:14] Speaker B: Where now back to reality.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: All the things are coming back to them. You know, the responsibilities are becoming a lot. You know, you want to have good time with your husband or your wife, you know, in bed. And by the time you touch the bed, you're already tired, you're gone.
[00:06:29] Speaker B: You're so my deliverables from work.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: Exactly. Exactly. Sometimes even for Christians to even pray together as a couple, you really want to do them. It's not like they are bad. You want to do them and yet you cannot do them. And I think this is why this is important for us to talk about today, because I think for many people, this is what is going to come to. Yeah, it's going to come to the good you want to do. You not being able to do them.
Exactly. Like, it's going to come back to.
[00:06:59] Speaker B: Things I wish to do, like you.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: Not being able to do that. And, and the, the funny part of it is when you are unable to do the things that you want to do, the things that you know you have to do, you become so frustrated.
You're just going to be. And that's the thing for some people, they're going to say, why are you not making time for us to be in bed? Why are we not doing this? You know, some. Some women are going to say, and I hardly see you because the man is chasing money. And then there are some men who are also going to say, well, you hardly make time for us and you know, because you're always with the children. And then someone is going to say, well, and even sometimes you try to do well at home. And then before you realize your boss is complaining you're not able to deliver.
[00:07:40] Speaker B: On your, on your job.
[00:07:42] Speaker A: That folks, is the reality of life, is the reality of marriage and, and you know, relationship stage. Sweet.
[00:07:50] Speaker B: You know, I remember back on university campus, I mean of course we had to learn, but you know, we hold.
[00:07:57] Speaker A: Our, our hands and we are going.
[00:07:59] Speaker B: Up and down hours and hours together.
[00:08:01] Speaker A: We could go and study and then we are coming back and it's like.
[00:08:04] Speaker B: Spend time, wonderful time, weekends, you know, spend.
[00:08:08] Speaker A: I mean even after school it was good.
[00:08:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:10] Speaker A: Because we could be on phone and we, we talking. And sometimes whilst we are talking, you.
[00:08:14] Speaker B: Sleep singing for each other.
[00:08:17] Speaker A: You know, you can do all those other things.
[00:08:19] Speaker B: All the God songs used, you turn into love songs for me.
[00:08:25] Speaker A: No way. I mean, sometimes you're even gone. I'm like, hello, are you there? Can you hear me? And you're like, yeah, I'm there. I'm like, oh, nah, she's gone.
[00:08:33] Speaker B: But I look back then and it's like you look at now, it's like, where did all these responsibilities come from? And like you said, we really want to be there for each other, right? You wish. You spend quality time with your kids, go on vacation.
[00:08:49] Speaker A: Go on vacation with your kids this weekend. We are somewhere here. You're there and still be able to play with the kids and still be able to make money.
[00:08:58] Speaker B: So be able to make money, pray.
[00:09:00] Speaker A: And pray and have all of these things together.
[00:09:03] Speaker B: You realize, excellent at your job. Job or anything. You're difficult is difficult.
[00:09:08] Speaker A: I mean it's not impossible, but it is difficult because again, everything constraints, right? And, and we realize that because of the constraints of life, everything is a trade off. Yeah, everything is a trade off. It's like you're giving up on something to be able to do this and you are giving up on that to be able to do that. And so where do we find the balance? And I think that's, that's why today's conversation is important to me.
[00:09:31] Speaker B: Very important. Yeah.
[00:09:33] Speaker A: When we did the effective living model, when we did what we call the state of fl, you know, one of the things that we did that I really, I'm thankful that we did that is, you know, when we created the, you know, our relationships, you know, especially when we did the priorities and principles and we did okay relationship, we did health, we did Wealth. Wealth. We did work and impact, and we said, what are the principles that are necessary? And we've talked about that. If you've missed our conversation on principles, go check it out. Wonderful, wonderful conversation. What are the principles that will govern these areas? So it's like principles are like the laws that we are set, the governing laws, the ones that are also setting the boundaries for ourselves. And then after that, we did the planning of them. And I think many people think planning is useless. It's like, oh, I'm not going to follow them. But why I think that was really helpful is because during that conversation, there was a question I put to you, and I said, how much energy are you ready to commit to these areas in relation to time?
[00:10:43] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:44] Speaker A: You know, in other words, what time will you want to commit this energy that you have for this?
And it was helpful because then it's like, okay, now let's talk about our relationship. How much energy do you want to commit to it?
[00:10:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:59] Speaker A: The reason is because, like, I've talked about why the way the physicist defines work is one of my favorite. They define work as the force that you are applying, you know, to a particular object and the distance that object is moving. So they say, you know, force times distance, you know, that is going to let you know the work done.
[00:11:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:21] Speaker A: And I think that is brilliant because that's really what work is. And so if we realize that relationship takes work.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:29] Speaker A: Parenting takes work. In fact, work and wealth, everything takes work. Then it comes to, what energy are you. Because force is literally the energy that you're committing to something. So what energy or how much of your energy do you want to commit to this thing? To be able to move, you know, and we had to do that.
How much. How much of your energy do you want to commit to our relationship? Every week.
[00:11:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:57] Speaker A: How much of your energy do you want to commit to the children every week? How much of your energy do you want to commit to your finances Every week? What do you want to do? And. And then we had to spell it out, okay, well, to be able to make money, I need to go to work. Okay, fine. How many. How many hours are you going to commit to. To doing your work? It's like, okay, realistically, I'm going to work, let's say eight hours or nine hours or 10 hours. You just want to be frank and you want to be very honest with yourself and do that. Then we came to our relationship again. Well, the first one was the relationship, and I think that was helpful because, again, it's on the priority level. Right. The time that we want to commit energy to our relationship was late in the night.
[00:12:42] Speaker B: That's when you asked.
[00:12:43] Speaker A: Literally after we had done everything. Like, after we are. Okay, we're back from work and we've done this and even we've prayed and we've, you know, and, and we've done everything, and that's when we want to commit. And. And then in practice, we realize that we barely had time for each other. Barely had time for each other.
[00:13:03] Speaker B: Yeah. Because it's like it just solved. Any, Anyone. Any couple listening to us right now? Just this analogy, right. With the physics calculation. So it's like if I repri. Relationship.
[00:13:16] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:13:16] Speaker B: The energy we are willing to commit to it, the force we are even.
[00:13:21] Speaker A: Applying, that will determine how it moves.
[00:13:24] Speaker B: But how do we apply force when we don't even have any energy in us?
[00:13:28] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:13:28] Speaker B: It means that the relationship will not flourish.
[00:13:32] Speaker A: That's true. And. And it means you're not going to have time for each other.
[00:13:36] Speaker B: No.
[00:13:36] Speaker A: You're not going to be able to, you know, anything you don't commit energy to that thing will not move. That's basically what.
That's why I like that definition.
[00:13:44] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:13:45] Speaker A: It's like if you have a business and I remember we talked about this, we're like, okay, fine, this is what we want to do. Right. For two things. One, we want to prioritize impact, and we also want to prioritize the kind of investment we want to have, like, make in our. In our work and in the things that we do. And so we are like, okay, there are two things. If you commit all your energy in maybe taking salary and working for someone, you will not be able to build that either. You cannot. You cannot build it. And so how do we do that? Like, okay, fine. Okay. If you are working for someone, I'm going to work on these projects.
[00:14:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:24] Speaker A: And I'm going to commit my time on working on this project. And that was mutual. We had to talk about this because if we commit all our time in doing A and B, we forego that. We forgo that future. It means that when we are 60 years or 50 years, we will just go retirement and we didn't really have much to do.
[00:14:45] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:14:46] Speaker A: But that's not what we want for ourselves. I mean, if, God willing, we have life, we want to be able to still be relevant. We want to still have something we are doing that we love doing. And so we needed to kind of break that down and say, okay, I'm going To focus on this. You are going to focus on this. Can you commit this to this particular thing? But anything.
[00:15:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:07] Speaker A: Anything you do not commit energy to, you will not move it forward.
If you don't commit energy to your sexual life, your sexual life will not go forward. It will not move. It will not grow. It will not.
[00:15:19] Speaker B: You just come from work, you know, you are tired, you get into bed like a zombie.
[00:15:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:25] Speaker B: Then you will not enjoy anything, obviously.
[00:15:31] Speaker A: You know, here's the thing. Sometimes I think in marriage or in a marriage or in a relationship, again, let me just say marriage. I think sometimes we think maybe you just don't want to do it.
[00:15:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:43] Speaker A: It's not about you not wanting to do it. You just don't have the energy in you to be able to do it. And so how do we do this? How do we make this work?
How do we have energy for the things that we love and the things that are important to us? So you notice that in the agenda, there's a part where we say, committing energy to the things that really matter. How do we do that? It calls for planning.
[00:16:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:08] Speaker A: It calls for being intentional and deliberately.
[00:16:11] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:12] Speaker A: You know, you have to be intentional and you have to be very.
[00:16:15] Speaker B: And you know, because of this. Right. That's why it was important in the early on conversations we've had about couples talking and coming together, like realizing what matter to us because we've. The constraints are that we can do much about it. So when we're able to identify the things that matter, then. Now when you are planning, that's why we talked about priorities and principles. Those are the things. That way we are not all over the place. You are not spending energy and time. Energy and time or even in the planning process. You are not now going to plan everything about life, but things that matter to us. That's very critical.
[00:16:54] Speaker A: Yeah. And I remember one of the things that we had a challenge with was spending time together, because we had put the time we want to spend time like the time we want to spend time together at the end of the day.
[00:17:08] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:17:09] Speaker A: And that almost never worked out.
[00:17:11] Speaker B: No.
[00:17:11] Speaker A: Because you were so drained and tired. We had also put our prayer life at the end of the day, and that never really worked out. And so we changed that and that was really helpful. I said, look, we don't need to think about intimacy as something that, okay, 10:00, 11:00, 12:00, we're done. But we're not gonna come.
[00:17:29] Speaker B: I think, I think what we saw our mothers and fathers in the past. You see women, they've come from maybe market or wherever they bath, put some.
[00:17:39] Speaker A: Powder and then they now come like.
[00:17:41] Speaker B: I'm here, you know, ready for action.
[00:17:45] Speaker A: You don't want to do that. I, I mean, for me, I was like, listen, we don't need to have. Yeah, you can have time, you can do all those kind of things, but we can, we can allow our like, our life to like intimacy to fuse in whatever we do.
[00:18:02] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:18:03] Speaker A: Right. There are times where you literally. We're with the babies and, and we're doing crazy things.
[00:18:10] Speaker B: You're spoiling me. PG18 now we don't do that.
[00:18:15] Speaker A: Stop laughing. You know, but, but the most important thing was I don't need you to finish everything. I have to finish everything before we can enjoy each other, before we can be intimate. I understand that sometimes we are all tired and all those kind of things, but it's not always about sex.
To be honest, it's not always about sex. When we married. Okay, this is going to be crazy, but I'm going to say it anyway because this is my growth club. Anyway, when we married before we had our son, we, we were mostly naked at home.
[00:18:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:49] Speaker A: Well, like after work we are not just, just so that we could walk around.
[00:18:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:53] Speaker A: You know, you could still be probably checking some few things on your meal.
[00:18:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:58] Speaker A: And, and, and still be standing there in a, in a very naughty way. And, and the other person can be, you know, it's, I think that many, many times we're not able to commit the time for the things that are relevant.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:10] Speaker A: To us. Like if you really want to keep your relationship fun and interesting, you want to make sure you commit time to it, but you don't have it. So how do you do that then? Allow it to fuse with everything you do. Yeah, Allow it to fuse with, with everything. Like if you go to work and you're on break, you can actually video call your partner and then you don't, you don't need to make it seem as if.
[00:19:33] Speaker B: Oh, it's like, you know, like it.
[00:19:36] Speaker A: Has to remember, finish everything and appear home and after 10:00 and, and then you just put, put powder on you and jump on the bed like a ninja. And it's like, I'm here.
That never worked.
[00:19:48] Speaker B: Yeah. I think I remember early on in marriage I would go to work. Sometimes you also leave and it's like you are trying to reach me. It's like, oh, my phone is just somewhere. And we had that conversation. It's like the whole. Is okay, fine. Work time is work time. But we go on break, right? So like we said, if you want to have that wonderful relationship, sometimes you are work. Your partner has not heard from you the whole day, and we began that thing. Sometimes break time, we are FaceTiming each other, just being fun.
[00:20:22] Speaker A: How many minutes? Sometimes. Hey, I called to check up on you. How are you doing? I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you at home. I'm thinking about you.
[00:20:29] Speaker B: And then, you know, and sometimes we. We make it seem like we are so busy.
[00:20:33] Speaker A: So busy.
[00:20:34] Speaker B: So busy. We can.
[00:20:35] Speaker A: We really want to build, you know.
[00:20:36] Speaker B: A spontaneous, fun, wonderful relationship. And you don't want to die. Like you said, it has to be deliberate. It has to be. I always say love is like a flower, right? If you have a flower right now, I give you a seed, and then you just leave the flower in a pot. You don't think about it. You don't water, you don't do anything.
[00:20:56] Speaker A: It was definitely gonna die.
[00:20:57] Speaker B: That's. That's how we. We should see everything with our relationship. Whatever it is, it needs time and intentionality.
[00:21:03] Speaker A: The same applies to raising children. We also talked about that. That was the second thing we talked about. Listen, if you're gonna get this, not be able to commit. And we decided that weekday we may not be able to have that time to do all those other things, but it's going to be part of our lives. You know, it's going to be, oh, you. We're back from work and we just take quick shower together.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:25] Speaker A: You know, and it doesn't have to be something that is like, oh, flowers on the bed. Like, it doesn't have to. But then in. On. On the weekend. Yeah, we really spend a lot of good time together. We are like, okay, we're going to do this, we're going to do that. And, and we had to plan that in the general. You even have this place where, like, we ask, how do we make this weekend fun and restful?
[00:21:49] Speaker B: And restful.
[00:21:50] Speaker A: I think we need to bring that back. We need to bring back making weekends fun and restful again.
You. You cannot be all busy and, and tired the whole day. You just can't. I, I love the idea of the Sabbath because the Sabbath allows you to work and you take one day off where you say, okay, I'm arrested.
[00:22:10] Speaker B: Okay, I'm not doing anything.
[00:22:11] Speaker A: You're really not doing much, and both of you can really spend time. I understand that if you have children, you're gonna. You. You're definitely Gonna get tired. But I don't think that having children means you cannot have fun. I don't think so. Like, you can have a way to make this work together.
[00:22:28] Speaker B: And it can work actually. Like, we have tried it, right? It's the intentionality for me, because I remember once your mom said something, she was like, oh, well, she remembers when she married, she used to b together with her husband and life happen, all the children. But then we have done that, right? Of course, it's not like we b together like seven, seven years.
[00:22:49] Speaker A: And yes, we still pretty good.
[00:22:51] Speaker B: Like we have two children majority of the time. We, we are, you know, we b together, we still do it. And again, it comes down to, and.
[00:23:02] Speaker A: It'S just about everything. But I think we've talked more about this side, so let's move on to parenting.
Especially for those of you who are watching who have children, parents. I think children will really take a lot of your energy and time. You have to prepare them for school. You have to do this. And I think if both of you can have a good conversation. And when we had carers recently, I said, okay, you need to rest. I will keep carers every night. And I did that. And it was tiring.
[00:23:31] Speaker B: My eyes were almost red every morning.
[00:23:34] Speaker A: Right. But, but I think that's where we all can be able to help. Yeah, but the truth of the matter is this.
If you don't commit energy to how the children are being raised. I know this because we have this thing where we think someone is going to raise our children the way we want for us. That's not going to happen.
[00:23:55] Speaker B: It will not happen.
[00:23:55] Speaker A: They will raise them the way they can raise them. If you want to raise your children the way you want to raise them, you have to be part of their life.
And the funny part of it is that if you have your relationship, you have your children, you have your work, you have all this, you have to do all of this in 24 hours and then you have to do it probably in seven days a week. You may not be able to do it perfectly and you may not be able to commit the same amount of time for everything. And that's okay. That's okay. I mean, you're going to go to work and you're going to come back home probably at 7:00 or 8:00. You're not expected to say, oh, okay, then I'm going to play with the kids right away. But if you plan it well, you can be able to have maybe say, every Tuesday, every Thursday. Yeah, maybe Every Wednesday, every Friday, or maybe every weekend. I'm going to just dedicate it with, you know, to spending time with the kids or whatever it is. You just want to be able to plan that effectively. You have to. If you don't, your children are going to rate. You're going to grow up. Someone is going to raise them anyway. Either they are school or whether they're friends, television, you know, something is just going to raise them. And you want to be able to commit time to that. Let's talk about again, making money.
Because I guess that's the most important thing for everybody. And that's what takes a lot of our time. Some people will take two shifts. Some people will just spend a lot of time, you know, working on different jobs. And. And that's where our energy goes a lot. Because by the time we, we back from work, we are. We're tired.
[00:25:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:32] Speaker A: We just, we just don't have a lot in our tongue. I mean, if you have a work that is not demanding on you, like that doesn't take a lot of. That's. That's fine.
I think this is where many people don't realize that you're not going to have it the same way.
If both of you are busy.
Both of you are busy.
[00:25:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:51] Speaker A: Like there's nothing much you can do about that. And, and for many people, that's where the other issues are going to come from. Imagine you were married to Elon Musk. Like, I mean, you can. You can dream and wish some things.
[00:26:05] Speaker B: But it's not gonna.
[00:26:07] Speaker A: He's running how many companies? He's. He's sleeping on the floor at the company. Like, I'm not.
Sometimes you might even just be married to. That's the reality of it. And so you really want to have amazing, like we talked about, relationship. You still want to have the relationship. But then there is work also that is taking so much from them.
[00:26:30] Speaker B: For me, I think that's why I would again, talk about the principles. Right. I believe that. Again, like you said, sometimes you can't do much about, you know, your work, both of you, because bills have to be paid.
[00:26:44] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:26:45] Speaker B: You have to, you have things that if, if we, I mean, we have all the resources, then we would not work. Maybe right now I'll just be on the beach.
[00:26:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:26:54] Speaker B: You know, taking. I just do this. And they are bringing me juice and my kids are just there. Everything. I have teachers there teaching them. We are, you know, but it's not like that. If you want. Unless you don't want it. Unless you don't want or unless you.
[00:27:09] Speaker A: Have a lot of money that can afford those things.
[00:27:12] Speaker B: Exactly. Or you don't want a particular type of life, it's okay. Like if your family is not your priority, it's fine. If the kids are not.
[00:27:20] Speaker A: That would some people who don't even want to have children.
[00:27:22] Speaker B: Exactly. But if you want them, no matter what all the nature of your job, you need to be able to commit time. That's why the principals is very important. Like for example having principles to say that yes, my work is busy. And last time on the one of the podcasts I mentioned that, yes sometimes what I've seen even with myself right in the past was I'm working. All right. Sometimes we are not even really paying attention at work like spending time on social media and other things. So we are not able to get work done. You know, and then now maybe you come home with work. Genuinely. There are some people that I want to believe. I don't know what work can, you know, you can be working for 10 hours.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:03] Speaker B: And non stop. I don't believe so. But maybe that's how your work is.
If you have principles to say that when is maybe 7:00 or when it's 5:00, when it's on weekends, I'm gonna do this. I don't maybe open my laptop. It's family time. Yes, there are certain time, maybe some people have spikes at work where you know, they are deliverables, reporting times or something. You know, those is not like all year round. So there may be times that you need to go extra mile at work but it's fine because you've already created certain routines. If it's disrupted a bit, you know that you can come back to it. But if you don't have any principles guarding these things, then they will never work.
[00:28:46] Speaker A: That's true. And the reality is that you know, just to say, you know, in addition to what you're saying, the reality is that it's very difficult and it's more challenging that we make it seem. And so I always say this, that especially during the weekday, you have to manage your expectations.
Chances are that during the weekday, especially if you're a very like, if you're a career person and your work does not probably let you close like three or four chances are that you may not be able to do much. There are some people that want like there are maybe husbands and, and wives that say oh look, we have to watch movies or watch sports every day. No, that's not realistic. Realistically you can do that. We, if we watch, like we just watch NB stuff. Exactly. We just watch the dunk context and we are recording very late. And it's nothing. Like, it's not so much of a problem for us because again, it's not supposed to be so.
[00:29:45] Speaker B: So rigid.
[00:29:46] Speaker A: Rigid.
[00:29:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:47] Speaker A: But again, it's also.
I don't even know how to put it. It's. It's not supposed to be, you know, a kind of thing that if we don't do it, then we are not going to be happy.
[00:29:57] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:29:57] Speaker A: Like, if we don't.
[00:29:58] Speaker B: Fluid.
[00:29:59] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:30:00] Speaker B: You.
[00:30:00] Speaker A: You want to be flexible a little bit. Like it's. You're not pleasing anybody.
[00:30:04] Speaker B: It's.
[00:30:05] Speaker A: It's okay if, if within a week you couldn't do much, there was the weekend.
[00:30:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:10] Speaker A: You have no idea. Let me say this. You have no idea what these things will do for you.
[00:30:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:15] Speaker A: Think about it this way. If you had a friend that you called every weekend, even if you didn't speak every day and you spoke to just every weekend for 30 minutes, do you know how that will affect your relationship with the person? And so sometimes I think the problem is we think we need so many time, so many hours before we can have something that is useful and fruitful and wonderful. No, it's not. So you can have very busy couples who spend time probably on a weekend and that. That the time they spend together is so fruitful.
[00:30:49] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:30:50] Speaker A: It's better than spending all the time fighting.
[00:30:52] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:30:53] Speaker A: It's better than spending all the time being angry at each other. You know, just because someone didn't come to bed early or somebody didn't do this, somebody didn't do that.
[00:31:02] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:31:02] Speaker A: It's better than spending all the time doing this. I always say this, like, if we're gonna spend even four hours every week together. And by the way, you'll be amazed that four hours is even a lot for many people. That's the reality. But if we're gonna spend four hours every week, it should be worth it.
[00:31:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:20] Speaker A: It should be wonderful. It should be amazing. The people that make it seem as if. No, it's not. Meanwhile, they have a side chick that they see just like two hours every week, maybe 10. I don't even know how many minutes they see each other. And yet they feel. Oh, they feel so alive when they are with them. Because it's not about. Again, more hours is great, more time is great. But it's not about that.
[00:31:43] Speaker B: Yeah. If you don't have it, you. You you work with what you have.
[00:31:46] Speaker A: I mean, make the hours you have together amazing.
[00:31:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:52] Speaker A: Don't spend it on unnecessary things that people that say the whole day, I didn't hear from you. And so they spend the next 15 minutes that they heard from each other fighting like, what are you doing?
[00:32:02] Speaker B: Yeah. With the example you gave about even weekend. I remember when we came to the United States, when we're Ghana, you know, sometimes even though we're married, could see our family. And I mean, even if we're not calling them, the thought of being in Ghana together was like, okay, it wasn't like a big deal. But when we came as part of our plans and, you know, maintaining our relationship with our family, we had a particular time on Sundays.
[00:32:27] Speaker A: On Sundays.
[00:32:28] Speaker B: And initially I was like, oh, okay. But like, you just gave the example. We constantly did it. Of course, every Sunday we speak to.
[00:32:36] Speaker A: Like, times where we are not able to.
[00:32:38] Speaker B: Just doing it every Sunday for maybe sometimes just 30 minutes. It was so nice. Like, and it's been closer to them. Like, we felt so closer to them that we're even in Ghana. So if, I mean, the dynamics of your relationship doesn't allow that maybe you are seeing each other. There are couples that are even working in different states or if you're in Ghana, maybe regions, and sometimes they come together over the weekend. You can't do much about it, but make the four hours or whatever hours you've come, like, at least have a time that you've committed than just not having it at all and saying that we are busy, you know, And I.
[00:33:13] Speaker A: Think the reason is because we make our spouses more like our God. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not our God. Like, we expect way too many things and too much from them. We want all these stuff, and we want them to be able to do all these things.
[00:33:33] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:33:34] Speaker A: And, and, and I, I don't think that's. That that leads to more frustration. So we want them to, you know, go out with us, and at the same time, we want them to be able to afford the bills. And at the same time, we want them to be able to make us the meals. And at the same time, we want them to be able to be in bed with us. And at the same time, we want us to. We want them to help us build the businesses or the things that we are building. It's not realistic. Like, you cannot, you cannot demand all these things from your spouse. I, I think, I don't think it's. It's helpful. Yeah, I think you're going to be unnecessarily frustrated. There are people that say, and I. You're not praying for me and, and I don't. And you're not doing this and you're not making me food. And I'm not saying don't do them. I'm just saying your, your spouse is not your God. Your spouse is not omnipotent. It's not omniscience. It. Your spouse is not all that. All that to you. I know we can sing like, you are all that to me, but you and the person is truly not all that to you. Right. You are you. And I think you need to also find things that give you fulfillment beyond your spouse.
[00:34:40] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:41] Speaker A: Things that make you feel happy beyond.
[00:34:44] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:34:45] Speaker A: Just what your spouse. If, if all your happiness is dependent on your spouse, you're going to be more frustrated, disappointed. I'm not saying your spouse is not supposed to make you happy. I'm saying that you, you should take care of you. You should.
Right. As we talk about planning, you should also have time for yourself. Yeah, I have an hour for me every day. An hour for me every day. I don't need you to come and worry me during that time. I'm not going to worry you during that time. I. It's me. That's where I do most of my journaling. That is where I do most of my self reflection. One of the things that I share with you often is we need to be able to build good self awareness skills, but we have to also build partner awareness skills.
[00:35:28] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:35:28] Speaker A: You know, and the reason why I call it a partner awareness, in fact, self awareness, is being able to understand your emotions, understand, you know, how you're thinking, why you're thinking the way you're thinking, how you're feeling, you know, why you're feeling the way you're feeling.
I mean, there's social awareness too, with people, but mostly we miss out on the partner awareness. Can you tell when your wife is tired? Can you tell when your wife is stressed? Can you tell when your wife is overwhelmed? Can you tell when your wife is unhappy with what you said? Can you tell when. When your wife is frustrated? You need to be able to learn that. I mean, there are times where even just last week you came home and I could tell in your face that you are overworked.
[00:36:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:14] Speaker A: And I hugged you and you wanted to talk and I said, I don't need you to talk. Just quiet, be quiet. And we had to have a long hug.
[00:36:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:22] Speaker A: And then now I asked you and. And we stayed up night even though it was. I couldn't go to the gym.
[00:36:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:29] Speaker A: But it was okay because I could tell that you had a lot put in your plate. And we sat down and we tried to figure. Figure that out together. And then probably like we ended up like one or so. And then we went to bed the next day. You were much better.
[00:36:43] Speaker B: I was better. I felt relieved. And you know, I think one thing also when you talked about the self awareness.
[00:36:50] Speaker A: Right.
[00:36:50] Speaker B: As. Yeah. Having the partner awareness, but you also being able to call things as they are. Like, I've had times where I'm screaming, I'm, you know, or trying to complain about a little everything you do or something. And then it's like I had to just understand that really I'm stressed.
[00:37:11] Speaker A: I mean, sometimes you are not able to tell and. But then I'm able to tell you that you. I think you're tired.
[00:37:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:18] Speaker A: And I think you've also had, you know, those moments with me where you say, like, I think you need some rest.
[00:37:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:24] Speaker A: And I think that that is good.
[00:37:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:26] Speaker A: Like someone needs to be able to understand that this is what is happening with you. Like the same key that it means that the one who is, you know, paving the path does not know that, you know, the, the, the, the path behind him or her is crooked. Someone needs to say, hey. Hey. You know, sometimes someone needs to say you're tired. Someone needs to say you're stressed. Someone needs to hug you. I, I get it. You may not get it from everyone. You may not even get it from your partner because of it. But that's why, again, this is my growth club and I tell people to commit to learning.
[00:38:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:02] Speaker A: Because when we learn better, when we know how to deal with this, there are times where a couple of weeks ago we had to have a massage and I'm like, okay. Like, it doesn't have to be sex.
[00:38:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:15] Speaker A: You know, you need a massage because you're tired. That's okay. Yeah.
I think people need to be able to be reasonable and realize that, listen, we need to give ourselves some grace. This life is tough. It could be brutal, it could be difficult. And we have all these things that we are trying to carry and we are trying to be parents and we are trying to be good workers and we work is a lot. We want to climb through our career. And women need to even understand this. The more I think the society places a lot on men and women need to also be aware of it. I think we Live in a generation where women don't realize it or many, many people don't realize that. Listen, men are trying to do a lot. They're trying to build generational wealth for the family. They're trying to work and save and build a business alongside. They're trying to be this. And the woman is expecting the man to be all this and do this. I'm not saying you don't, but I'm saying sometimes you're the woman also. You have to be honest with yourself and say, what do I need for me? What do I have to do for me? Because if you're in a good shape, then you can support these people. If you're in a good shape, you can support your children better. You can support your husband better. If you're not in a good shape, you're going to be screaming and shouting on everybody. You're going to be so stressed, and you're always going to argue and fight, which you don't have to. So both of you need to take care of yourself. My meantime is my meantime. I always want to be in a good shape. I want to be in a good mentorship. Last week we talked about the fact that I wake up every morning judging my state of being with our state of flourishing, our effective living model, and say, do I have love? Do I feel my heart is at war with you?
[00:40:01] Speaker B: No.
[00:40:01] Speaker A: Do I feel my heart is at war with my children? Anytime I notice stuff like that, I just want to make sure that I'm honest with myself. Why am I feeling this way exactly? Are there expectations that are not being met? Am I perceiving this in the wrong way? Am I being irrational? Am I having unrealistic expectation? How? Why am I feeling this way? And I confront them, and several times I'm wrong. I'm like, oh, this feeling is unwarranted. Even though it's not like it's a bad thing. It's just my body or my emotions are telling me that, hey, these expectations you have are unrealistic. That is why you feel terrible, and that's why you are mad, and that's why you're probably angry at her. But do you also realize that she is this, and she has gone through this and she has done this and she has done this, and she stayed up this, she did this, and she did that. And then I'm like, whoa, whoa. Like, you've. You've actually been doing so much, and I didn't even notice because I still have this high expectation of you that you couldn't really meet. And so I think. I think that's something people have to do. We need to plan better.
[00:41:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:41:09] Speaker A: Plan our energy better. Another time we talk about how to plan our resources, the money we make, because that also leads to. To frustration.
[00:41:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:41:17] Speaker A: You want to do something you can afford. Oh, my God. Or there are bills coming up, and. And there are things coming up. And, you know, you have all these things that are coming on. On you. And. And it's too much life. But that's life. You know, it doesn't have to be if you plan it well. Yeah, you have to plan it well. You need to be able to plan even your children. Can I talk to you guys? Yeah. You cannot just be giving birth every time. Like, you just can't do that.
Like, you can't. You have to be able to just, you know, give yourself some grace, really. Elon just welcomed his 13th son. I. I'm told, you know, Elon Musk, your money cannot afford that kind of life.
[00:42:01] Speaker B: Just.
[00:42:01] Speaker A: Just be honest with yourself and say, you know what? We're gonna give birth to this number of people. You know, my. My friends from Africa. You get what I mean? Like, we can be giving birth like our parents, especially when we cannot afford it. Yeah, we have to. You have to break things down. You have to be honest with yourself. And, I mean, this can apply to everything, including our health. You know, you need to be able to say, you know, what, if I'm going to be in good shape, I need to eat at the right time. I need to get to the gym. You have to. So think about it. You have to do all this with 24 hours, seven days a week.
[00:42:36] Speaker B: That's possible.
[00:42:37] Speaker A: It is possible. That's why you have to plan well and you have to.
[00:42:40] Speaker B: Very intentional and deliberate in executing and tracking that.
[00:42:45] Speaker A: You want to add anything before we go?
[00:42:47] Speaker B: Let me. Let me look in the camera. I know life can sometimes be. Look, you know, as if million things are chasing us. But like we've rightly highlighted here, it's possible with appropriate planning, it's possible to be intentional. Life, I mean, life is. Is. You don't have to be too serious about it. You can build a great relationship. You can build a great, you know, mental health, your finances, you can do it. But it needs a lot of commitment, taking daily commitments and like you said, tracking. The last thing you said, it just hit me. Because that's the point. Right? Sometimes. Exactly. We feel like, okay, we've planned. Okay, we didn't achieve. We don't even know because we Are not tracking. So being able to track, give yourself grace. Just monitor. Okay? How can I do better? There have been times that we had to readjust. I remember when we, you know, got married, we wanted to spend time with each other. Then in the moment we had that, you were like, okay, why don't we, you know, let my mom help us? Even with cooking, she wasn't living with us, but sometimes, okay, we just leverage on her.
Work was so tiring. So sometimes, depending on the circumstances, you can actually look at. It doesn't have to be fix. Okay. Every day the woman is supposed to cook. This person is. As life goes on, you just analyze and say, okay, what works better for us? And you have a comfortable life. Even though life is hard, we can make it fun and enjoyable.
[00:44:17] Speaker A: It's true. We can make it fun and enjoy it. But I think that at the core of what we really want for ourselves, it's just to have fun. We just want to have fun and, you know, just. Just feel great, feel good, and. And that's the thing. And I think you can. You can do all of it. Just find a way to make parenting fun and to make your relationship fun and, and to make work fun. Just, I think if you love what you do, you wouldn't really stress so much about that. So how do I love what I do? Sometimes, realistically, it's difficult, but you can find the right motivation for what you do, right? I mean, if you do that, then it changes everything. Will you love the time that you spend with your children? Would you love the time that you spend with your spouse? Would you love the time that you spend at work?
[00:45:02] Speaker B: Especially the spouse, not just out of responsibility, but something that you really love.
[00:45:07] Speaker A: You just love doing it, and that means each other. You. You want to introduce some fun in all these kind of things, and you have to actually see that also as something you just enjoy.
It's sad that people don't even make sex like that sex is supposed to be, but people make it seem like it's a duty terrible. I think we can all grow from that and we can actually have things that really make us less stress.
[00:45:34] Speaker B: That helps.
[00:45:35] Speaker A: And I think parenting should not be the way we think. It's something we can actually enjoy doing. Is the same thing with work. Yeah, I, you know, one of our mentors tell, he's like 70 something, and then he's like, oh, why does he work? And he says, I mean, like, people say I should have fun, but this is fun.
[00:45:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:45:53] Speaker A: Going to work and doing something that is important. It's fun for him and, and so you can also find a way that what you do will be fun for you and what you do with your spouse and your kids and, and with everything, even your friends will be fine for you. Thank you for sticking around. Thank you for joining us today. We will be back next week with another episode again if you've not subscribed, please do well to subscribe. You want to check our website mygrowthclub.org we have amazing tools, systems that we build with notion. We have a channel, our journal is available on Amazon. You can find the link and everything on my growth club. If you want to join the club for our next club meeting which is often at the end of the month, go ahead, go on our website sign up and we cannot wait to have you. Thank you so much and thank you for being here for this wonderful conversation, my love.
[00:46:48] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:46:48] Speaker A: Thank you. Catch you another time. Bye.
