Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: I don't know whether they started selling off and then they started buying, but then they just kicked it off and then it started falling. So imagine that you just made that decision and it fell and then you lost all that amount of money. I'm talking about your life savings. I'm talking about everything you have. You're going to be mad.
[00:00:14] Speaker B: See, that's what I was saying. But if it went well, then I carry you. I'm sure I will be. See my entire body. I would have carried you at my back. I'll be like, I know you always make that. I knew.
[00:00:29] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to my growth club. Thank you for tuning in. My name is Emmanuel.
[00:00:34] Speaker B: And my name is Grace.
[00:00:35] Speaker A: We are your partner in growth and effective living. I want to say thank you again, really, for subscribing to our channel. If you've not done that, this will be a good time for you to actually subscribe. And, and I think it will be helpful if you turn on the post notification. It helps you to be able to get alerted anytime we upload a video. And we have amazing things to actually share with you today. I want us to talk about choices.
I mean, we've already talked about wonderful things on this channel since we started this podcast. We've looked at this worldview. We have to throw away this mental image of life that we didn't find helpful. And then we adopted this new mental picture of life that we call the effective living model, what we call the state of flourishing. And these were built out of five years of real investment in ourselves, in our growth, intentional, deliberate, you know, pursuit of, of what life is about and how we should live it. We've also talked about some of the constraints that we realize and how these constraints actually affected us, the kind of stress that it brought into our life and how we have to navigate them. Of course, we've not. I think we've not really fully exhausted.
[00:01:46] Speaker B: Yeah, but it's been helpful actually.
[00:01:48] Speaker A: Right. And, and definitely going to get back to some of these things as we continue to learn and as we continue to share. We. We also talked about, in a previous episode, we talked about principles and PR priorities are so important because they are like your essential, the essential things that you value most in life and, and why those things actually matter to you and the reason why you want to commit your energy, you want to commit time and resources into. Into that. We talked about principles, those guiding lights, the things that are actually helping you to know, you know, what to do and what not to do. They are also setting the Boundaries for you. Right. Determining how far you can go with something. You know, where to go, where not to go, what to do. You know, when it comes to our finances, when it comes to our relationship, when it comes to our life, when it comes to, you know, our marriage, every, everything that is important to us. And those were really, really, really good stuff.
[00:02:39] Speaker B: I, I listen to them almost every day. And if you are yet to watch, not just this one, go and watch all the five, they are really good stuff there.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: Yeah. And I've gotten a lot of good comments and emails from people like, oh, I really enjoy this and thank you and, and, and I think that's encouraging. So thank you all really for subscribing and, and also thank you for the emails and the comments. Please keep them coming. We just want to know how helpful these things are and we want to continue to improve upon them. Let's talk about choices. This is, this is a very important topic. I mean, because it all comes to choices. It all comes to choices. Really.
[00:03:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:19] Speaker A: I remember when we discussed the identity behavior cycle, like this particular image for those of you who are watching on video, those listening on, on, on like maybe Spotify or Apple podcasts, you may not see these things. I'm so sorry for that. But if you watch it on YouTube, you will probably see it. Or when, if you're watching on X, you will probably see it even though you are not our ex, I think you're going to enjoy it, you know. But, but, but we talked about the identity behavior cycle and then we saw the connection. Right. You know how it's, it's kind of a loop, it's a cycle. So you kind of have the, the beliefs affecting again your perception, your perceptions affecting your expectations, your expectations affecting your emotions. And then it kind of continues to your actions and then like that, you know. And I think one of the fundamental thing with all these things, choices, choices, choices, it all comes to choice. It's like, yeah, what, what I realized was that people don't realize this.
Hey, I like the rhyme. Like, what I realized was that people don't realize.
I mean, but, but I, I noticed that, so I'm going to change that. So I noticed that people don't realize that they can do something about their feeling by their choices.
[00:04:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:42] Speaker A: Many people don't realize that they can fix things by what they choose to do and how they choose to react. You know, for instance, someone does something, you're so mad, like you're so really mad about that and you're hungry, you can actually Talk about that. That would change the way you feel just by talking about it in the way you should talk about it. I remember one time I, I mean, you did something, I was really pissed and I said, and I like, I mean, not, not really, but I like, I like you because you kind of have this jovial, playful thing, even when it comes to serious stuff, like, I.
[00:05:22] Speaker B: You really feel life is not too serious, you know, you don't have to be serious.
[00:05:27] Speaker A: I get it. But you have a way, you have a way that you kind of joke with everything and play with everything and, and I love that I, sometimes I sit in a car, like back then in Ghana, I would just, I just remember those days, even though I was very pissed with something you did. And I, I still remember those things that you were like, you're probably shaking yourself or something like that, and I just be laughing, you know, so. But this one time you did something, I was really pissed. And then I was like, I was just lying down. I was like, no, I could talk about this. Yeah, right. And, and I, I, I don't know why we don't see that, but we really can talk about it. So I came to you and I said, listen, I am very angry with this thing that you did.
[00:06:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:06] Speaker A: Because I think, I think, I think I'm angry because I expected a lot from you. No, we talked about the cycle, so I, I, I had to confront my expectations. Right. And I realized that the reason why I am angry is because I, I expected you to have acted this way and you didn't act that way. But then I was really going to sit down with that anger and, and be pissed about this. I was like, wait, what? Like this is childishness. I could just literally tell you. And I, and I, I, I told you that, listen, I am angry with you about this one because I expected you to act this way. And, and I think that even though that should not be the reason why, it's just because I love you. And you were like, oh, yeah.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: In fact, when you confronted me, I was like, oh, you know, in that moment, I wasn't even thinking. I, I didn't even know how, you know, I was like, oh, this one. And you know what you're saying is very important because now it boils down to your choice, right?
[00:07:06] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:07] Speaker B: In the moment, you could have been lying down. You could have decided that you wouldn't talk to me. And we can have couples that can stay with each other and they don't talk. Meanwhile, just one choice of just coming. And sometimes we talked about perceptions. Right. Maybe you were angry about something, but it's because of the way you are looking at it.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:25] Speaker B: And you tell the other person, oh, maybe. And sometimes it even melts all the anger away.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: It did actually.
Oh, oh, you love me. And then you're like, oh, so that's who. Why you were. You were just lying down. I'm like, even. Even though in the moment, I. I thought you were just joking too much. It's like, no, I'm serious. Like, I'm really, really serious and pissed. But then I sat down again and I. It just occurred to me. I was like, but this is not something I should be.
[00:07:51] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:07:51] Speaker A: But then I had to talk about that to you. And I. And I think that this is why. This is why perhaps many people don't realize it. We don't see our actions as choices we are making.
[00:08:02] Speaker B: Yeah, that's true.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: It kind of feels like life is happening to us. Like, I am depressed, I am stressed. I am angry, I am sad. No, you are choosing.
[00:08:14] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:08:15] Speaker A: Well, sometimes it's not everything that you get. Like, you choose again. Like, if you are in pain, you are in pain. Like if you put your hand on fire and then it's hard, you can say, like, I chose to be. I chose to feel pain. No, you are hurt. Yeah, that's not. That's not what I'm talking about. But I'm talking about. Or even, like, the reaction that sometimes comes in. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about after that reaction. Right. After. Mostly that kind of reaction.
[00:08:43] Speaker B: You choose to stay in that exactly feeling.
[00:08:45] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. So I began to realize that everything is just a matter of the choices that you make. I mean, to. To a good degree.
[00:08:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:54] Speaker A: Right. There are things that are beyond our control, but it's. It's either someone's choices are affecting us or our choices are affecting, you know, someone. Or again, maybe the choice of God or the choice of the devil. I don't know. But someone's choices are actually affecting someone. Right. And so I wanted to know, how will we as a family be able to make the right choices?
[00:09:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:09:15] Speaker A: And that's when I realized that. Oh, oh, oh, boy, I'm in.
Is there anything like, right choices, really? Because what we call right choices are just right outcomes.
[00:09:25] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:09:26] Speaker A: You know, like, it's a right choice because the outcome is favorable.
[00:09:29] Speaker B: So good.
[00:09:30] Speaker A: Right. It's not because.
It's not even because the thing itself is right, but it is because the outcome is favorable. For instance, if I made. I. I made a choice to maybe marry this person, and maybe, again, whatever happens in the marriage is not what I desire. Oh, my goodness.
[00:09:47] Speaker B: No. I made a terrible decision because your.
[00:09:50] Speaker A: The outcome is not desirable. But I realized that, no, it's not about making, you know, choices that brings the most desirable outcome.
[00:10:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:00] Speaker A: Right. It's about making choices that bring the most expected outcome.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:10:05] Speaker A: And expectations are so vital, like we talked about the other time, because expected outcome means that you have a good understanding of what you really are going to get.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:16] Speaker A: If you choose this thing and you act this way.
[00:10:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:19] Speaker A: Like, if I choose to remain angry, do I know what. What. What I'm gonna get from that? You know, that. That is. That is unexpected outcome.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:29] Speaker A: If you. Again, desired is still expected, but it's not. You're not always going to get it right with your desired outcome. Like, you, You. How do you know? Are you. God, you. Like, like, if. You know, they just talked about the Trump meme, Quinn, and, oh, yeah, everybody was just all like, oh, people are going to make money. And then, boom, all of a sudden, like, it rising, and then, boom, it started falling.
[00:10:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:51] Speaker A: Now imagine I came to you and I said, oh, you know, let's pick this amount of money and then go and invest in the Trump meme. By the way, we didn't do that.
Like, I said, oh, let's take maybe $50,000 and go and put it in the. In the coin. I'm like, oh, yes. And then boom. And you know how the thing started falling? His wife Milena also launched their meme coin. And then people, like, I don't know whether they started selling off and then they started buying, but then they just kicked it off and then it started falling. So imagine that you just made that decision and it fell, and then you lost all that amount of money. I'm talking about your life savings. I'm talking about everything you have. You're gonna be mad.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:11:29] Speaker A: And that you're gonna be mad because. And it's often about the one who. Who caught a shot. Like, who did it come from?
[00:11:35] Speaker B: Who did it come from? And the other. I mean, if it's a couple, like, if you are the one who called.
[00:11:40] Speaker A: You'Re gonna be madame.
[00:11:41] Speaker B: You see this, what I was saying? But if it went well, I'm sure I'll be. See my entire body. I would have carried you on my back. I'll be like, I know you knew. I.
[00:11:53] Speaker A: You know, I'm serious. You know, so why. It's really not because the action itself was wrong or right. It's just because the outcome. Right. That we got was desirable. Right. And. And that's the thing about. I think a lot of reason why we need to get it right individually and as a couple is because most of our issues, most of our fights, most of the problems are because of this.
[00:12:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:17] Speaker A: Like when you meet someone who says, like, I'm not really happy.
[00:12:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:20] Speaker A: You go. You go into it. It's just because you are not happy with the choices someone is making. Really. That's what it's about.
[00:12:26] Speaker B: And especially because the outcome of those choices having gone your way.
[00:12:30] Speaker A: Exactly. Are not desirable. And so how do we get it right? How do we even get close to expected outcome? Right. Even if we are not going to get the most desired outcome, how do we get close to the. The most expected? Right. And that's. That's the way. The reason why the. The general has been so helpful to us, you know, because we talked about. For those of you who have the general, if you don't have it, it's on Amazon, please make sure you go get it. Copy Effective Living Journal. Just search it and you're gonna find it. It has this beautiful. Of course, you just may not have the bar because this is not for sale. But then you have, like, it has this beautiful design of life and you know, like, what a good life looks like or something like that. What do we call the state of flourishing? So we talked about four important things, really. Like, you do so many other things, you know, before it gets to this. But the first one is how do we make good judgment? So making good judgment was so essential. And the reason why it's so important is because you may not get the most desired outcome, but you can make a good judgment.
[00:13:32] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:13:34] Speaker A: How do I judge if this is going to be a good. Like, it's going to bring out at least, you know, unexpected outcome or not? How do I make that judgment? That's what a good judgment is. Yeah, A good judgment is. And it takes a lot of wisdom to do that. It's like when Solomon, they brought the. The two women like one. One child is dead. And then that's good judgment.
[00:13:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:55] Speaker A: Solomon is able to tell that. Oh, okay. So how do we learn from these days to be able to make good judgment in the general? I talk about four important things.
[00:14:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:06] Speaker A: The first one has to do with sufficient information.
[00:14:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:09] Speaker A: If you want to be able to develop good judgment, you need to have sufficient information.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: You need to ask yourself, do I have the relevant information that is driving this? In fact, I think one thing we talk about in the general, the first thing and direct is that what is even driving what information do I have that is driving this decision? Right. You need to have comprehensive information that will help you arrive at that result or that expected outcome.
[00:14:34] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:34] Speaker B: The thing is, even the expected outcome, like we've rightly said, is not. It may not be desirable, but having sufficient information will help you analyze the two. Because just you reference Solomon, he had to analyze situation. He wasn't fixated. Okay. This woman was crying that way. That's my baby. So you need to have a lot of information. And if you don't have. We talk about in the general, if you don't have all the information, ask yourself, what information do I need? Where do I get more information? Do I need to talk to people? Let's say I'm going to buy a house. You have to do extensive information, talk to people, find.
[00:15:08] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:15:09] Speaker B: Look at the market and all that. That' very critical.
[00:15:11] Speaker A: And it gives you a lot of perspectives.
[00:15:13] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:15:14] Speaker A: Right. And perspectives are important. You know, there's a difference between perception and perspective Perspectives.
[00:15:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:19] Speaker A: Perception is mostly the way you are perceiving something.
[00:15:22] Speaker B: So sometimes it's so fixated. Yeah.
[00:15:25] Speaker A: I mean it's influenced by many things. Your own bias, your prior knowledge, you know. And again, we talked about the belief cycle, remember? But then perspective is allowing you to see from other people's viewpoint. That's literally. It's like you're putting your yourself in the shoes of other people. And sometimes that people who have had worth of experience, people that have a. You want to be able to find those information. So you want to ask yourself, do I have sufficient information? Then now you want to factor in what we talked about, the constraints of life. Listen, this has been so useful. I'm telling you this, being able to arrive at this, it took us so many years. I think this was the most challenging part because it's, it was so complicated. Like how do you really make good choices? How do you do that? Because, well, you are not. I mean, if we were God, then obviously, you know, but we are not. So how do we do that? Now you factor in constraints, the various constraints and, and we've divided that into three resource constraints. Again, we can talk about people constraint, but we talk about it here as human behavior. Oh, that is so important. A lot of the things that we have, like even myself and I shared with you, then it's like a Lot of these things is because I didn't factor in human behavior. Human behavior is the human. The humans. The propensity to even change.
[00:16:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:48] Speaker A: Even sometimes to even change their mind.
[00:16:50] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:16:50] Speaker A: Like, we trust people so. So much. Like, you know, this guy, like, I'm gonna do a tattoo for my body. You can do the tattoo of the boy tomorrow. No, I'm not saying that. Don't be that. Don't be that bad. Don't disc people like that. Go do it, girl. Go do it. I'm kidding. But here's the thing. You want to really factor in human behavior in most of these decisions. And it's not always about love. It's about everything. You've got to be careful in this way you. You know, because a lot of the things are not dependent on you. You know, sometimes we are social like it's not always about you. People change. They change. I'm telling you. You want to factor in those constraints. Resource constraints. So important the resource you have. Like we talked about the opportunity cost last time. You are giving up on something else could have done.
[00:17:35] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:17:36] Speaker A: You know, maybe the money could have been put into this particular venture. And then you just put it into that particular venture. It's gonna. You're giving up something for that. Factor that into the decision making. You want to be very careful. And the final thing is about time constraint. Sometimes a decision that might look like it's a terrible decision right now.
[00:17:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:56] Speaker A: Might have great benefit in some few years to come, but you don't see it. Sometimes I hear people say, like, I think such a terrible thing. And I'm like, okay, something. You just realize that all you need is endurance.
[00:18:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:07] Speaker A: Sometimes all you need is patience. Because a lot of things have delayed what they call delayed gratification.
[00:18:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:14] Speaker A: You know, you. You're going to feel happy about them, but it's not going to be now. But we want this quick. Quick, quick, quick, quick. A lot of investment in life don't bring quick returns.
[00:18:25] Speaker B: Oh my.
[00:18:26] Speaker A: And so decisions that you may think that they are terrible decisions may not just be terrible. Again, because we talk about the outcome.
[00:18:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:32] Speaker A: The outcome now may not be desired, but again, the. The desired outcome might come in the future. So what expected outcome does is it put all this in perspective and makes you feel better. Remember when we did the behavior cycle again, because we are talking about perspectives, we are talking about expectations, we're talking about emotions. Expectations are right. You feel right. If the expectations are wrong, you feel mad.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: And the next thing I think People should also be mindful of aside. Making good judgments is making thoughtful choices.
[00:19:09] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: This is so critical because in, I mean in my personal life, in the life of people, I've seen people or even I've seen myself make very impulsive, rash decisions.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:23] Speaker B: Because of certain things, sometimes something just happened and it's like, okay, okay, tomorrow I will make, I'll take this decision. I think one thing I want to highlight, let me look into the camera. Is when it comes to making tough decision, I think we highlighted that in the journal as well. Be very careful, think through, look at viewpoint. Ask yourself that why am I making this decision? Have I thought through, is it just coming out of, you know, emotional response to something? Because sometimes maybe somebody may even comment about something about you. Then the next day you are going to pick your life savings to do something to buy something, to prove a point. So it's very, that's a very, very critical. Some decisions or some choices, I mean they are on the light side. So. Okay. But when it comes to tough decision, we all know I don't need to tell you what those decisions are. But there are some decisions that if you are not careful, you make it out of emotions, out of being impulsive or irrational, it may cost you.
[00:20:21] Speaker A: Right.
[00:20:21] Speaker B: Some people, like we talked about, some people are not even able to forgive themselves. Some people even commute suicide.
[00:20:28] Speaker A: They just realize that, oh, what did I, what have I just done? Because a lot of the things are just like you talked about the emotional response. They're just emotional response. And earlier when we talked about experiences, we kind of trained people's brain to realize our emotional responses, which leads sometimes to the reactions that we have. A lot of people react to things. They see this, they buy, they do this, they buy that they are all emotional response. Like I, I, I like people call it impulse buying, post buying.
[00:20:56] Speaker B: Exactly that. That's a right.
[00:20:58] Speaker A: Because it's like it's impulsive. And I think that people don't know the way the brain works. Right. So let me just. Basically one of the things that again, I am not unexpecting this. So take my, my thought on them on a lighter note. But, but they're true. Yeah, you just have to just research more on that. But, but I talk about the hippocampus and then they talk about the amygdala. So think about it like kind of the apostle my scientists. No, I have, I have, I just, I didn't learn that. In fact, I read it when we were, I've forgotten the book. But it's about developing smart children.
[00:21:33] Speaker B: Oh yeah, you, you didn't read that to read on an airplane. And I ended up watching them.
[00:21:38] Speaker A: But I gave you a copy. You didn.
Oh my goodness.
[00:21:42] Speaker B: I would have seen that word.
[00:21:43] Speaker A: You should have seen them. Yeah. So it talks about the two stairs like it's the upper stairs and then the lower steps. Okay. The kind of, the whole reasoning behind that is that the hippocampus is your reasoning part and then the amygdala is kind of dealing with the, the emotional part. Very small, tiny part of your brain. But, but a lot of your emotional, you know, decisions and actions are coming from the amygdala. And then the hippocampus is more like where you're reasoning and you're SM thing can happen. I mean, if I'm wrong, forgive me, but, but I still remember what I read, you know, but it was so good. And, and it's the same thing with Ethan. Like when Ethan does something, I try to walk him up upstairs and just try to understand the reasoning and help him build a habit of realizing that he can make rational choices. And a lot of people don't know that. So they don't realize that they can make thoughtful choices. That's why the general is helping. Right. After making good judgment, you to go through the habit of, you know, and I think this thing may not be so exhaustive, but it's only training your mind to start. And if you do this often, often you realize that it becomes part of you. The, the other thing also that the general will help people do. Or again, it's, it's not even about the general, but the other thing that people have to understand about making, you know, making good decisions and choices, it's about realizing two things, right. The first one is escaping the people pleasing trouble.
And then the second one. Yeah, yeah. The second one is, is breaking free from this trap of the fear of being wrong or failure.
[00:23:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:23] Speaker A: When I realized these two things, I was like, this is, this is me, you know, because a lot of us are just caught up in this people.
[00:23:32] Speaker B: Pleasing trust, you know, the people pleasing trap. I mean, I, I saw this comedy, whether it was a movie or something, but it always, it was something fun, but it always speaks to me anytime I'm making a choice and I feel that I'm doing it because of others.
[00:23:47] Speaker A: Right.
[00:23:47] Speaker B: There was this, this man and his son, they were traveling and they had a donkey camel sort of thing. And both of them were sitting on their camel and they met the first person. The person was like huh? People can be wicked in this world. How can two people be sitting on this camel? This camel is suffering. Then the man decides that, okay, maybe I'm too heavy, let me get down. Let my son be on the camel. Then they meet the second person. The second person said, ha, what a foolish man. How can you be walking and this whole camel, only your tiny boy is sitting on it. Then the man decided that, okay, son, get off, let me sit on it. The sun was walking, met another person. The person said, what a wicked man. Look at the tiny boy. How is he walking when you are sitting on the camel?
[00:24:34] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:35] Speaker B: Then the man decided, okay, let's. Let's all walk.
They all got off, they were walking. Someone met. Oh, wonder shall never end. What stupid people are these? The camel is free and then you are walking. And the man just decided that, let me go. They all left the camel and then they just started running or something.
[00:24:53] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:24:54] Speaker B: It's funny. I always loved it.
[00:24:56] Speaker A: Really interesting. Yeah.
[00:24:57] Speaker B: But if you look at it, that is how sometimes our lives are.
[00:25:02] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:25:02] Speaker B: And we have to understand that people would always have an opinion. So when I'm making a decision, I have to ask myself, am I doing. That's what the general helps us do.
[00:25:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:12] Speaker B: Am I doing it because of people?
Am I doing it because I'm asking myself, okay, what will people think?
[00:25:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:20] Speaker B: Because if you do that, you always make the wrong choice. Because people. And I'm not saying, let me look in the camera. I'm not saying don't listen to. Because we've talked about looking at viewpoints, Right. It's good. You need to be receptive to ideas.
[00:25:32] Speaker A: You're trying to please them.
[00:25:33] Speaker B: But if your ultimate goal is to please people, you will get it wrong. Because anything you do, and mind you, people will talk to you sometimes even from the experiences. If somebody didn't choose a. When you are choosing it, they will say, I didn't choose it. May end up in a bad outcome. So. So always it's good for us to question the motive behind our action.
[00:25:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:53] Speaker B: And if we are honest and we realize that it's just because it's to please somebody. Some people even make marital choices to please their family or to please their friends. They can tell that this guy, they don't see it. Exactly. And that's what the general helps us. Questioning yourself, asking yourself. Right.
[00:26:11] Speaker A: Yeah. People. People even do. I think what people do is they. They make excuses for like people make. Make very interesting choices and then afterwards they make an excuse. Like they try to find a Sound reason for why they acted that way. But no, you didn't. There was nothing rational about that choice. But you just come to say, you know, like we find something rational to justify why that decision was made. But oftentimes that's not what happened.
[00:26:35] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:26:36] Speaker A: In that moment, that's not what we are thinking about. I remember when we were in Ghana the last time we bought this beautiful shoe for your sister.
And when she saw the shoe, oh, she loved it. Oh, I can't wait for tomorrow. I cannot say what's up it tomorrow. So I can't wait for my friends to see it. Like when they see me the way.
[00:26:54] Speaker B: And she was saying that there was this lady in the class who had siblings abroad that had brought her shoes. And then lip. And you can clearly see that my sister wanted people to like.
[00:27:04] Speaker A: Exactly. So she admired that and then now she wanted that and she thought that's what is really going to happen. And then I said, once I looked at her, I was like, well, she's young, so I'm not going to talk. But, but, but if she was an adult, I would really have asked her that. But do you really think this is what's going to happen? Like, you really think that your classmates are going to look at you and go like, oh my goodness, I would like to look at your shoe.
[00:27:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:28] Speaker A: No. As you grow, you realize that some of them are going to look at.
That's how they're going to look at you. There are some people that are gonna, hey, this shoe that you got, you know, let us sleep.
The people. I'm telling you this. And when you begin to see that, you realize that no, people are not going to be pleased. Pleased all the time. Not everyone is going to be pleased with you.
[00:27:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:49] Speaker A: That is when you begin to realize that you cannot please people. I like the fact like something that they say like, oh, opinion. Opinions are like noses. Everyone has one. Yeah, everyone has an opinion. Everyone. And I'm telling you this. Not many people have very favorable even about themselves maybe like not many people like themselves anyway. Why do you think they would like you? You. They were not just like you. And, and so you need to be able to think about that. And, and the general we talk about how you want people to perceive you by this particular decision and then it brings you down. And the reason why that is important is because, you know, when we talked about the identity iceberg, even in a journal, you see that. And I'm. I'm going to show that image on the screen right now you notice that the iceberg is there. And it's like, this is what I believe I am. And then under the what I believe I am is, you know, this is how I want people to perceive me. And then the other part is, this is how I don't want people to perceive me. Then beneath that is really the part we don't see. This is. That is the why. Why I want people to perceive me this way. Why I don't want people to perceive. And the reason is because I realized that a lot of the identity we hold is not about who really we are. It's about who we believe we are. And what we believe we are is because of how we want people to perceive us.
[00:29:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:10] Speaker A: And how we don't want people to perceive us. So important. And. And it matters because when you realize, oh, I want people to perceive me this way, you realize why you like to be identified as this thing.
[00:29:22] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:29:23] Speaker A: To get a point, if I don't want people to perceive me this way, you realize why you don't want people to be associating you with some things like you just like, like, I, I can't marry this kind of guy. There's a reason why, you know, I mean, as for me, I want this kind of. There's a reason why it's all about how you want people to perceive you. And, and that is what is also eating into your actions and your decisions, really, and your choices.
[00:29:46] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:29:47] Speaker A: Why am I okay? Like, if we spend this amount of money on our wedding and then it's going to trend, you know, and, and sometimes when they do that and they realize that, no, it's not trend, even their own friends are not posting them, then they themselves will go and post and say, the wedding. Hashtag, wedding of the year. No, it's not the wedding of the year.
[00:30:07] Speaker B: This thing you say is very important when we're getting married. You told me a similar thing because at the time, I think I was caught up. It was like a wedding season during that 2018. A lot of people I knew were getting. My friends were getting married. And you told me, sometimes I'll come, oh, I want to use this particular kind of makeup. Then you asked me why and you told me, do a wedding of your. Like, do it yourself. Let people rather come and ask you, like, do something.
[00:30:31] Speaker A: Do what makes you.
[00:30:32] Speaker B: What makes you what you really want. And we. And interestingly, I forgot, I shout out every voice. I shout out what I was thinking and imagining because I had seen people use Certain.
[00:30:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:42] Speaker B: But I. I went for things that were quality and affordable and eventually, in.
[00:30:47] Speaker A: Fact, I do it your way.
[00:30:48] Speaker B: Do it your way.
[00:30:49] Speaker A: And you know what was interesting? When we were talking about that and. And I realized that even your own way where other people's.
[00:30:55] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:30:56] Speaker A: That you really admired. And I said, there's nothing wrong with that, but this is something you have to deal with. And I. I'm glad that you brought this up, because when we married, in fact, when we started dating, I will post you a lot. And one time I. I decided I wouldn't do it. And then you asked me, so why are you not posting me? And why are you. And then I said to you that I don't really want to be posting you all the time. Ideally, the way I am. I would have even stayed out of social media if it's not because, like, I wake up every morning trying to inspire people. Right. To see the value of family, you know, to. To. To build a life of purpose. But if it's not for that.
[00:31:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:32] Speaker A: I wouldn't be on social media. But then I told you this, that a time will come that I will stop. And I said, it's because I think this thing makes you happy. That's why I do it.
And I said, but the reason why it makes you happy is not even because you really find value in it.
[00:31:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:49] Speaker A: But it's because you care so much about how people will see you.
[00:31:52] Speaker B: You are so right.
[00:31:54] Speaker A: And. And when you grew out of it, I stopped.
[00:31:56] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:31:56] Speaker A: I remember one day you said someone.
[00:31:58] Speaker B: Asked you that why we're not posting again. In fact, I like the example you brought, because it was something I was caught up in. The people pleasing trap. Because when you were doing those things for me, I was so happy. Because I remember when I go to the office when something happened. Let's say we posted something on Val's day. And then you feel like, oh my God, the queen. The queen. Even my.
You could tell. So it's like. And I remember one time you. I think before you told me the reason you silently were stopping.
[00:32:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:32:29] Speaker B: And I think it was a vowsy or so you.
[00:32:31] Speaker A: It was about something. And then I told you, don't take.
[00:32:32] Speaker B: Don't. Don't take a picture. Then I. I started feeling bothered. Right. You didn't tell me that. I went to the office. People started as I realized that. Oh. So I.
[00:32:41] Speaker A: But you had a wonderful time.
[00:32:42] Speaker B: I did have a wonderful time.
I wanted people to know I had a wonderful time.
[00:32:47] Speaker A: And that's the thing about life. I'm telling you this. That's the thing about the human behavior. And I love that you GRE out of that quickly. And I told you I did. That's my girl. And then afterwards, I came back doing that, but then I still stopped. But, like, there's a way that I kind of do that. And the reason is because many people find value in how people perceive them.
[00:33:04] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:33:04] Speaker A: More than value in the thing itself. So you're. You're with your boyfriend outside, you are eating meal, you're having good conversation. Now, that's not really nice. Whilst we are doing that, you've taken your phone, you're recording so that you can show your friends that, listen, he's taking me out. And that's where we find the value of my life. And it's because of the trap. Right. And the next thing that probably wouldn't. We would take these one by one, and we will look at them, but the next thing that we will also have to talk about is the fear of failure or the fear of being wrong.
[00:33:34] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:35] Speaker A: This is one of the things I realized that changed my life. We need to be able to escape the trap of the fear of being wrong or failure.
[00:33:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:45] Speaker A: Like, it's okay if you fail. Yeah, it's. It's okay. In fact, it's not just okay. It's a necessity for the success that you want. But. But some way, somehow we've been made to feel that, no, if you fail, you are a failure.
[00:33:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:58] Speaker A: And if you fail, it's wrong.
[00:34:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:00] Speaker A: No, it's okay. Or some people are afraid If. What if I'm wrong? Like, if I'm wrong, then what?
[00:34:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:05] Speaker A: And we kind of build this from our education, you know, from. From the time that we were young, where if you answer something and you are wrong, people are gonna tease you. Most of the skills that I built in life, most of the skills that I built in life, I build it because of failing and trying and being laughed at. And that's the way I learned public speaking. And I was fortunate that I was introduced to that very young in high school, you know, And I'm standing before 300 plus people to even 600 people on. On a daily basis. I'm telling you, there are times I had to pray that the light will go off because I don't want them to see me. And I'm so terrible. I couldn't really speak. I couldn't even speak English, I tell you. You in high school?
[00:34:47] Speaker B: No.
[00:34:48] Speaker A: And I'm doing this all the time, every Single day. And I'm going through that, and I'm going through that, and I'm trying to advance and I'm trying to learn. And that's the only. It was the blessing. Like, and that's why we had to put this in the general. Right? Like, I had to think about. I'm like, no, if you don't face your fears and you don't confront that failure thing that, like, you know, you. You've been afraid to feel to fail or know you've been afraid to be wrong, you're not gonna grow.
[00:35:16] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:35:17] Speaker A: That's the whole point of this club.
[00:35:19] Speaker B: You had to embrace. Because if you had run away, who knows?
[00:35:23] Speaker A: It's okay. Yeah, it's okay if you make a decision that goes wrong. It's fine. Let me say this to the camera. Listen, guys, it's okay. It's okay if you made a decision that went wrong. I'm not saying that should be your habit. That's why we have talked about this. But it's okay if you fail. Failure is a necessity to the growth. We are here today talking about stuff like this because we failed enough. You know, we're talking about some of these kind of things is because things have gone wrong and that we had to learn from it. We. It's okay if you made a wrong choice. It is fine. It is necessary for your growth. It's not the end of it.
This whole thing. Like, look at them.
[00:35:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:35:58] Speaker A: Oh, look at them. Yeah, look at them. Yeah, that's wrong.
[00:36:02] Speaker B: That's wrong.
[00:36:02] Speaker A: That's a lie.
[00:36:03] Speaker B: Yeah. And in the general, we. We ask this important question. One of the things you have to write. Why are you even afraid of feeling? Is it because you. You think you'll be embarrassed?
[00:36:12] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:36:12] Speaker B: Or you feel jazzed? Charge. And there's one critical thing I like about the upside of trying. Right.
[00:36:17] Speaker A: Yeah. That was a good one.
[00:36:19] Speaker B: And it is very critical because you. If you ask yourself, okay, yes, I'm afraid of this. And of course, we all come to certain points in our lives where we feel like going to make this. What. What if? Right.
[00:36:30] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:36:31] Speaker B: What if. But then what if you also try? If you look at the things, the benefits it will bring, because we've established here that it's okay that you feel. So why don't you take the step? I remember a couple of years ago, I was making a career, you know, choice, and I had a couple of options, and I was running away from a particular one because it meant that I needed to do something which I thought I will fail. I needed to take an exam outside. This exam is so I've had weird things about it.
[00:36:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:59] Speaker B: But then I had to embrace that there were. But I had to assess. We talked about it. You kept asking me why do you want this place and not this way? And my own reason. I knew from the bottom of my heart because I was going to challenge you to challenge me to do something more ye and shift me out of my comfort. I felt I was okay. But eventually I did and it brought me enormous benefits. Eventually, right?
[00:37:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:20] Speaker B: Was it not challenging? It was. I had moved to a new country. Cultural shock, weather shock. Everything was so different. New everything. But then I had to ask myself, okay, what new skills? And we talk about that in the journal. What are some of the things? What are the benefits that whether it's going to get challenging. Whether whatever it is, you need to come out.
[00:37:40] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:37:40] Speaker B: Look at the apps upside of trying.
[00:37:42] Speaker A: And I mean you. You're going to be better off.
[00:37:45] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:37:45] Speaker A: You're going to learn something.
[00:37:46] Speaker B: You're going to learn even if you fail.
[00:37:48] Speaker A: Exactly. And that's the whole point of life anyway. Growth. That's the way you grow. You learn different things. You improve, improve.
[00:37:54] Speaker B: Because like getting better, better, better.
[00:37:57] Speaker A: So go ahead and do that. But this is all time will permit us. And I'm so thankful that you guys have stayed with us. I hope that you're enjoying these conversations. We'll be taking them like we. We plan to do this every Saturday. Yeah. Maybe we will go on vacation, I don't know. But if you don't see us, know that we're not around, you know. But we're going to try and then be doing this with you guys. I have a good news for you guys. Like I told you the last time, our product are out, you know, go get them. Visit mygrowthclub.org and you're going to find all our tools. The journal is there. You're going to find, you know, the notion systems that will help you live better. We are offering our Bible study system for free. The links to them are in the description below. Please find them. Please go ahead and get them. Your life is going to be transformed. I'm telling you it's going to help you live better. And here's another thing. Next week, if you're watching this probably before the 1st of February next week. You understand what I mean? It means that on the 1st of February, I think it's going to be on a Saturday. We are having our first zoom meeting with, with. With individuals and people that have signed up to join the club. If you want to join, find the link also in the description or visit my growth club and join the club. Just sign up and it's going to be amazing. We're going to do some planning with you guys. We're going to share some things with you guys. You never know what can come. I don't know. You never know what can come. You never know what we can offer you guys. So go ahead and sign up right now. Join the club. Let us have our first monthly meeting together. Grace and I are going to be on. We've to talk to you guys. It's going to be amazing. So you don't want to miss out and like I said we're going to force you to grow. We forced ourselves to grow and we want to do the same thing with you guys. So join us and it's going to be incredible. But thank you. If you have not subscribed to our channel, please go ahead and do that. Our baby is crying. We actually raising two. Two babies really. One who is who just turn five and the other one who's bell is like six months. Like just got six months or so. So yeah but we're still doing this and. And maybe you can hear it, maybe you cannot but we need to go attend to our baby and so we're gonna catch you guys another time. Thank you for sticking around.
