Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: If you're a couple, knowing how to get that together is beautiful.
That means different things for different people, you know, but working it out together, it's not just by saying, this is what I want and that's all. No, it's just about collaborating. That's what marriage is about. It's a partnership. We want to get to this place together. We have done that like you see in our model, health wise, we want to get here and we've been, well, you know, both of us have kept in our weight for a while. Like sometimes we go to the gym after the baby, try to go to the gym together. Don't mind her, but she's done. Yeah, you know, just going to the gym together, just being careful with our eating. She comes to bed with popcorn around 11 o' clock and then it's like, you know, being checks on each other. That's what purpose does, right, Financially, like, okay, you can spend this, you can spend that, you can go here, you can go there. No, we can't make that decision. Let's wait for the right time. When the right time is up, we will do ABCD and being able to just work it out together. When it comes to working career, you know, I have to get this course done. I want, I want to make this happen. What can I do to help? You know, I also want to do this. How can you help?
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:01:08] Speaker A: Ministry wise, that that is what drives union. Purpose is so powerful that it will make even a pain worth it.
I'm telling you.
[00:01:21] Speaker C: Hey, I should give offering. This is deep.
[00:01:24] Speaker A: Oh man, stop that. You know, it's so powerful that you know people, you've seen people endure things like you go to a. So we are cutting your body. What is the point? Yeah, the point is perhaps I'm taking a baby out and then a woman is there and then you're going through it.
[00:01:39] Speaker C: And then some people even do it again. Again. I'm like, again and again.
[00:01:43] Speaker A: You know, you see someone pushing a baby out of them, it's like, oh gosh, you're screaming. It's no, no, never again. Some people have actually had sex babies because there is a reason for it.
There is a reason for it. What I have seen in marriages is sincerely, Vivian.
You're going to go through way too many things.
Purpose is the only thing that will make it worth it. Purpose is the only thing that will carry you through, that will not let you fixated on them, that will not drain you.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:17] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to my growth club. My name is N.K.
[00:02:21] Speaker C: Emmanuel and my Name is Grace.
[00:02:22] Speaker A: We're so excited to be back. We've been away for a while, but I'm super, super thankful that we're back.
It's gonna be wonderful.
[00:02:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:33] Speaker A: We miss you guys.
Yeah. We could say this is season two, but we've had a lot of things going on as a family. Not like bad stuff, but good stuff. We've had our mothers here, and it's. It's just being family stuff, you know? But thank you, really, for sticking around and for watching us again. We're going to talk about some things that I'm hoping that will be a great blessing to you. We actually have a question that we're going to be answering today because many of you started reaching out to us. Like, hey, guys, where are you guys? When are you coming back? Is everything okay? We fine. Like, we're fine because of Jesus. We're doing so well, and it's so great to be back. So we got a question from Vivian, and today we're going to try to answer that question.
Lady is going to read that, and then we will get straight into it.
[00:03:21] Speaker C: Vivian's question is a very interesting one, and I'm happy we get to start with this.
She says, why does relationship or marriage sometimes seem so hard?
[00:03:34] Speaker A: Yeah, I saw that. I was like, yeah, that's a good one.
[00:03:37] Speaker B: Very good.
[00:03:37] Speaker A: So today we're gonna try and answer your question. Vivian, we're not sure where you are from, but. But we're gonna try to answer that. I. I think, yes, relationship, marriage. In fact, all kinds of relationship could be had.
[00:03:53] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:53] Speaker A: Could be very hard.
[00:03:55] Speaker C: Not to be romantic.
[00:03:56] Speaker A: It's hard.
[00:03:57] Speaker C: Relationship at the workplace, relationship everywhere.
[00:04:00] Speaker A: Everywhere. Like, just relating with people actually could be very hard.
But then think about it this way.
When you tell someone to lift a car, you know, it almost seems impossible. Like, lift a car. Like, lift a car. Like, maybe you. You had a flat tie, and then we say left the car to change the tie. It's like a car, like this big car. How do I lift it? I can't lift it. It's so hard. It's impossible. But then with the right tool, you can actually lift the car very easy, right?
[00:04:32] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:04:32] Speaker A: And so it's not because the car is easy, but it's because the right tools can make it easy. So you can say, well, there's some people that are really good with relationships. And sometimes you can find two people who are very good with relationships, and it makes it easy. And. And the question is, why? What makes it so What a tool is doing you know, like you just talked about, a strong man can actually do that. Of course, because a strong man is strong.
[00:05:02] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:02] Speaker A: And so a tool will give you the strength of the strongman, even if you didn't have them. Right. And. And so I think it's important to think about relationships, marriage in that same way.
What are the tools that I need that makes it easy? Right. So, Vivian, I don't know what you're looking for from us, but again, I think that you can think about it this way. What are the tools that I need that will make relationships easy or marriage easy? And we're going to try to share probably about five of them with you.
These tools are powerful. From my experience, the first, I will say, is wisdom.
Solomon talks about wisdom being a principle thing, and I agree. 100. I think there was an episode, we actually talked about wisdom extensively. You can check that out if you've not watched that already. But wisdom is the principal thing, indeed, is the most important thing you can actually have. You know, there's a part of the scripture, Solomon says again, that by wisdom, a house is built, by understanding. It's established now. You can think about it this way. Whatever you see built, it is actually a proof or a demonstration or a manifestation of the wisdom of the builder.
[00:06:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:21] Speaker A: You know, if you want to see the wisdom of someone, look at what they've built, how they've built it. Because wisdom is actually that tool, is the most powerful tool that helps you build things.
Relationship is something you're building. Right. You're trying to build something with someone, like connection. A relationship is a home, whatever it is, it could be a partnership. It could be romantic, you know, partnership. What. Whatever it is, wisdom is important. It's the most important thing to have because wisdom allows you to be able to have the toolbox. You know, you talked about that. It gives you wisdom. Think about wisdom as the toolbox where you're going to have all the tools.
[00:07:04] Speaker C: Yeah, right.
[00:07:05] Speaker A: I, I didn't even think about it. But, but you get what I mean, because we just started talking about the tool that helps you lift a car and how that is going to help in a relationship. But wisdom actually is like the toolbox itself. In it, you have all the other things. Many people have said, okay, what really is wisdom? And, and, and I think, like, we just talked about the analogy of whatever someone has built is a demonstration or is a proof. Right. Of the wisdom of the person. It means that what you do with knowledge, what do you do with resources, what. Whatever you have, anything of Value, the best possible use of it is what wisdom is, right? So if I look at, let's say a tree, what can I do with trees? And so here you find maybe they build houses with trees. They build, you know, they do people with. So all these are things that are the products of wisdom. What wisdom does is it allows us to look at the tree, understand what we can do with the tree. In it, we find knowledge.
You get what I mean? That's how we build schools. So wisdom is so important because wisdom will let you have understanding knowledge, which we probably will talk about very soon. But that is the first tool. And the Bible says, if anyone lack wisdom, let him ask God. Solomon, when God, that story is so powerful. When God says to Solomon that what you want? He says, because you didn't ask me.
[00:08:35] Speaker C: Hey, if God is to ask you, me write another thing, you know, you.
[00:08:40] Speaker A: Know, I, I love that scripture because in fact God said, because you didn't ask me for. He mentioned couple of things. One of them he said for wealth.
[00:08:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:51] Speaker A: You know, which is riches. Basically he said, because you didn't ask me for that. Like, do you understand that? Like, you didn't ask me for that. You just. And he even said, you didn't even ask me for your enemies.
[00:09:02] Speaker C: Your enemies.
[00:09:02] Speaker A: I like, oh, Solomon could have his enemies.
[00:09:05] Speaker C: That's why God is to ask me right now, you know, to kill, like.
[00:09:08] Speaker A: The way we pray, kill my enemies, you know, destroy them.
Solomon said, no, no, no, no, I just want to waste them, you know, because I want to make the right judgment for my people, to serve my people. And God said, woo, yeah, I'm gonna give it to you. And I'll add all that to you.
[00:09:22] Speaker C: I think it's very interesting because let's say he asked for wealth without wisdom.
[00:09:26] Speaker A: That'S that it will vanish.
[00:09:28] Speaker C: Vanish.
[00:09:29] Speaker A: You wouldn't even know what to do with wealth. In fact, you wouldn't know the best possible use of wealth without even.
[00:09:36] Speaker C: And I think wisdom, if, if people want to know how beautiful wisdom is, don't look too far right? Look at Solomon. Yes. We are using Solomon's story when the two women came.
[00:09:46] Speaker A: Exactly. Good judgment.
[00:09:48] Speaker C: Good judgment is, that's like you, if you forget. Okay, you don't even know what the definition is. Just remember that story. How to be able to tell whose child was really dead. I, I don't know how else.
[00:09:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:00] Speaker C: And you know, and that's, that's the.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: That'S important in decision making.
[00:10:05] Speaker C: Decision making, you need wisdom. And now that you're talking about wisdom. Maybe we can move on to the second one. That is Right, right. Understanding and knowledge.
[00:10:14] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:10:16] Speaker C: Understanding.
[00:10:17] Speaker A: It's funny how Solomon wrote about wisdom and always used understanding and knowledge. He says, like when he says get wisdom, he says, in all your getting understanding. Yeah.
[00:10:28] Speaker C: It's so key.
[00:10:29] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:30] Speaker C: I, I remember even before I, I talk about this tool being wisdom and knowledge, I remember a friend got married and a couple of months into it, I was like, oh, how is it going? He was like, oh, Grace, marriage is overrated.
[00:10:43] Speaker A: Oh, wow. We are fighting.
[00:10:45] Speaker C: Yes. Like this.
[00:10:46] Speaker A: Is it overrated for you?
[00:10:47] Speaker C: No, not at all. It's, it's, it's, you know, like sincerely. No, it's not.
[00:10:53] Speaker A: Because I think marriage is such a beautiful blessing.
[00:10:55] Speaker C: Beautiful thing for me is. I think, I don't know, it's. It's been this seven years of us being together has been like over 10.
[00:11:03] Speaker A: Years plus in relationship. It's just been a great blessing.
[00:11:06] Speaker C: Great blessing.
[00:11:07] Speaker A: But like I said, without the tools, actually. Yeah, right. It can be hard.
[00:11:10] Speaker C: You have the tool, you can leave that car easily.
[00:11:12] Speaker A: Yes. I mean, without the right tools, it's.
[00:11:14] Speaker C: Hard shopping these two. And the person's like, marriage is overrated. I was like, why? It's like, it's as though we're not the people who were in love. We are just.
[00:11:23] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:26] Speaker C: Every day. And I remember I was, I was talking to him about even understanding at the time.
[00:11:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:32] Speaker C: Understanding is like for you to have understanding, you shared the last time. One person must be up when the.
[00:11:38] Speaker A: Other is standing down.
[00:11:39] Speaker C: So one person is standing. One person.
[00:11:43] Speaker A: Is what it's supposed to be. But whenever you see one's ego standing, you have to, it doesn't mean you have to have your ego standard. That. That's not what we mean.
[00:11:53] Speaker C: Sometimes you just flip.
[00:11:54] Speaker A: But of relationships, one person's or even one idea is standing. Oh, it's, it's just like the concept.
[00:12:00] Speaker C: Of submission and, and that's the whole point. Right. Wisdom is having the ability to be able to see from others perspective and not just, you know, focus on your emotions in the moment. Right. And like the person was saying, it's like we are not hearing each other. We are not doing any. It's just because we have not come to a point where we realize that. No, I need to understand.
[00:12:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:23] Speaker C: Sometimes even, even people get to this stage where we feel marriage is hard. Relationship are hard because we didn't even have certain understanding before going into the marriage or the relationship. We have been.
[00:12:33] Speaker A: You know, people don't even Know how to relate with. In laws and other things.
[00:12:37] Speaker C: Like we've been framed by a lot of things, our society. The things we saw in the movies we watched, you know, I think yesterday we're looking at. We are watching the movie and we saw a man, the wife and the child come out and you know, they were in their 90s.
[00:12:51] Speaker A: The way they depict, you know, they.
[00:12:54] Speaker C: Said hold the morning, hold their hands, pray, and they are coming to have breakfast. And I was telling you that this, this is how it can happen, you.
[00:13:02] Speaker A: Know, but how regular it could be.
[00:13:04] Speaker C: Sometimes people go into marriage having those weird expectations and not even understanding that sometimes there may be. There may be certain points in your life, there may be a time where sometimes you may not even have your family together at some point. Right. Sometimes you'll be together, sometimes your child will be. Some. Like it's.
[00:13:23] Speaker A: It's a lot of dynamics. You need understanding. Yeah.
[00:13:27] Speaker C: To be able to know. Okay, this is what is happening. Understanding. To be able to know. Okay, fine. It's not everything. Like sometimes you tell me, in dealing with people, even dealing with emails, dealing with our siblings, dealing with you, some, sometimes some things are not just necessary.
[00:13:40] Speaker A: They're not necessary.
[00:13:41] Speaker C: You need the understanding to be able.
[00:13:42] Speaker A: To know that when to talk, when not to talk, what to say, how.
[00:13:46] Speaker C: To say things that you can easily let go. Right.
[00:13:49] Speaker A: Understanding human nature, you know, human behavior, how the brain works. And we don't know these things.
[00:13:55] Speaker C: We don't know this.
[00:13:55] Speaker A: Like, if I ask you, like I ask people right now, can you tell me how your brain works? It's like my brain, like a lot of people don't know the part of their brain. I'm like, what?
In fact, recently I watched a video from a professor from MIT and I think this is something on YouTube. People can watch, go and search for Introduction to the brain on, on YouTube from MIT, they have this open course. Something, something. It's amazing. You know, the professor begins by telling a story about this guy who's. Who can, who can recall things, but he can figure things out.
Very smart guy, really intelligent. He can recall things. Like if he, he can tell, okay, this road from here, from memory.
[00:14:38] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:39] Speaker A: But if you put him a row and they say, okay, figure out which one should be. He can figure it out.
[00:14:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:44] Speaker A: And they thought like, you may think, no, no, he's making that. It's actually true because of the complexity of the brain. There's one story after, I think World War II, where there's. I think, I. I don't know, there's a metal thing that went through someone's head and the person could not have empathy anymore. People don't know that a lot of these things are coming. That part of their brain didn't exist. Even the way we are nurtured, the way we grow, the way we. Some people, some part of their brains have not been developed in a way. Some people don't know how to structure things. They're very smart. They just don't know how to put things in order. If you're not careful, you may say, oh, like, I don't, I don't get it. And mostly that's what happens in a marriage where we think, I don't get it, I don't get it. Why can't you do this? Like, very smart people don't even know how to put their shoes at the right place. And you'll be, you'll be shocked. It's just because people don't know how the brain works and how the brain is developed and how the brain even can change. And so the point you make about understanding is so powerful. And I like the fact that you are bringing knowledge together. Because without knowledge, and I say to people, listen, if you want to do well in life, you have to invest in knowledge. You know, I love the way, you know, Solomon talks about how we should love wisdom. He says, wisdom will protect us.
Is that toolbox it gives you, it allows you. For those of you who have not seen our effective living model, go check it out. You will love it. That model came as a result of this. It's like we needed to understand what is happening. We even have one that perhaps we've shared before. For those of you who have the general, you will see it understanding society and our role in it. What we did was we looked at society and we use first principle thinking to rethink society right from the bottom up. Like, if you think about a functional society and you tore it apart, what are you going to get? What are the components you're going to get? And we're going to share it on the screen. And so we didn't just kind of think, oh, okay, and then, no, we needed to invest in knowledge, invest in understanding, invest in wisdom, get wisdom at all cost. Don't just rush into relationships. And, and by the way, some of you said, that's why I'll never marry. Listen, it's. You and your boss are going to be worse than you and your spouse.
[00:16:57] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:16:58] Speaker A: I'm telling you. Or you and your co workers sometimes are going to be worse. And so you need wisdom. Right. If you look at the effective living model, how wisdom holds the other part of it.
[00:17:09] Speaker C: Yeah, I think, I think you're right with what you brought up with knowledge, having the right information and skills. Skills, yeah. Sometimes people even enter relationships or marriage without having the right information.
We've talked about the constraints of life, even the skills. Everything is a skill. The skill in, you know, we were talking about dealing with. In laws or whatever, a skill you need to learn.
[00:17:31] Speaker A: And that skill is because of the application of knowledge. Of knowledge as you. You know, it's shocking. I remember when we talked about human behavior and I asked you, like, have you ever. Like, many people have not read about human behavior. They don't know human nature. It's like, you know, you know, there are some things we did in the school, like critical thinking. Those are good stuff to learn, and it allows us to have the right skills. But the most basic. You're going to deal with people. You don't know human nature.
I'm not saying, like there's any laws, but I mean, you've not read about human behavior. You've not studied, like, you've gone to university.
You have no idea.
[00:18:14] Speaker C: Maybe we think we do, but.
[00:18:15] Speaker A: No, we can blame you can. We can blame our education system. But at some point you have to make this. I mean, if you've gone through university, you need to know human nature because you're going to deal with human beings at work.
[00:18:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:27] Speaker A: You have to know how human beings are, the way they act, the reason why they do what they do. Like, invest in that. But we've talked about wisdom, Vivian, if you're listening, invest in wisdom. Get wisdom. Solomon says, in all you're getting wisdom, get it. And then in all you're getting, get understanding, get knowledge. Invest in knowledge. Just. Just know things. Just try to know. Try to know why people act this way. Try to know about the brain. Try to know about emotions. Spend your time on those things. Invest in them. Now, the third thing that we'll talk about is actually empathy.
And there's a reason why this is important. We know. When I was thinking about this, I was going to say humility, but I realized that maybe I will join them. Empathy and humility.
But the important thing about humility and empathy is that empathy is.
You know, when we talked about compassion and we talked about the, like, love.
A good part of what we don't get about life is how to experience things.
[00:19:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:34] Speaker A: From the shoes of other people. You know, you know, perspective is when we talked about perception. And perspective. We said you want to gain perspective by perceiving things from the point of others. Yeah, but empathy is not just looking at things from their view, but trying to also live it like experience. Yeah, yeah, I realize that that is probably the most important thing you can do in marriage or in any relationship because what that does is, well, someone spoke somewhere, you put yourself in their shoes, you try to look at, okay, the circumstance. You try to even understand what could be bothering them, could be bothering. And then you kind of understand them. Like you, you feel for them to.
[00:20:16] Speaker C: Say something about, make excuse for, for people.
[00:20:18] Speaker A: People, you know, because there's a, there is something called a hand loss razor, which is a very powerful thinking framework. Basically what that means is do not associate malice to something that could be explained by error or ignorance. I mean, many times we associate malice too quickly, like, oh, he said it to hurt me maybe. No, he didn't. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he was, it was just a mistake, you know, and the moment we begin to think that people are doing things to hurt us, that is what bring that kind of reaction. That is where all these other things happen. But empathy is such a beautiful virtue. As I grow, I begin to realize how important that is. Because empathy will let you understand even your kids better. You know, remember when we talked about the case of knowledge where like when you know something, you forget how.
[00:21:10] Speaker C: And so it's like not knowing.
[00:21:12] Speaker A: That's why we scream on our children, you know, but the people who did that to us when we're young, we didn't like them.
[00:21:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:17] Speaker A: Because we didn't know.
And then we do the same thing to our kids. And so what empathy does is allows you to put yourself into the shoes of someone and experience what they experience from their, their shoes. Not, not just perspective wise, not just like looking at it from their, their point of view, but you kind of experience it. I think when people lack these things, of course marriage is going to be hard, you know, because it'll be draining. You didn't understand, you know, your wife can come home or your husband can come home and they wouldn't be in the best of mood.
Empathy allows you to realize, oh, something could be bothering them. Empathy is. Empathy is different from sympathy. Right. Sympathy is beautiful, but empathy is amazing because empathy allows you to say, ah, okay, even if they react this way. Is that your habit?
[00:22:06] Speaker C: Yeah. At the workplace, anywhere you find yourself just knowing that not everything is about you. That's probably not because your husband is angry or your girlfriend or boyfriend is angry. Sometimes, sometimes they are dealing with their own things.
[00:22:17] Speaker A: Exactly. They need something that you are not even the reason. But, but you know, you cannot have empathy without humility.
Because what I think humility also does is humility allows us to be able to focus on serving rather than being served. The opposite of this is pride and ego. I've never seen any egoistic person who has empathy.
Like a lot of them, they can be empathetic as and when, but they don't have it often because it's always about them.
You know, egoistic people are self centered people like everything is about them. They're quite narcissistic in a way. Things are always about them. It's about their praise, it's about them. It's about.
But humility is like Jesus saying, the son of man came to serve and not to be served, you know, so you approach relationship not just thinking about, it's all me, you know, but you are always focused on, you know, how to serve your spouse, you know, how to offer. The best husbands I've seen are people who love seven.
[00:23:20] Speaker C: You know, they want to help, they want to help.
[00:23:22] Speaker A: You know, they think about, oh, she could be tired, you know, he could be so stressed. So they're always thinking about, sometimes it's not like I'm talking to you, you don't want to mind me. They're just thinking about how do I serve you? That's why I'm combining the two because it goes people with empathy and humility. What a combination of virtue. I'm telling you, such is, such people are amazing, you know, but, but people who lack that, of course marriage can be hard. I'm not saying that it will be impossible. I'm just saying that it will be very hard because again, especially if two of you are egoistic, I promise you, you'll be, you'll be divorced, the house.
[00:24:01] Speaker C: Will be on fire. And sometimes giving your example, right, that she could be tired.
So let's say someone is very egoistic who is a man that thinks that the woman is the one supposed to always say, yeah, do this for me. Food. Yeah, do this. The person can come back to from work very tired, very drained.
[00:24:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:19] Speaker A: And you know, why didn't you do this for me? Why did you?
[00:24:23] Speaker C: I mean, why aren't you serving your.
[00:24:25] Speaker A: Am I the one to do this?
[00:24:26] Speaker C: Yeah, I'm also doing the same. But somebody who is humble and not egoistic would say, oh, I can understand today maybe you are tired. And exactly.
[00:24:35] Speaker A: If sometimes even before you come, they've already, you know, Sometimes they want to just massage you a little bit. They want, you know, people just want to be served, too. Yeah, but the thing is, you can go into marriage wanting to be served. You know, humility allows you to want to serve more than you want to be served. I'm not saying that, of course, because sometimes you just want to serve. And it's like, what about me? I understand that, but the whole mindset, especially for marriage to work, is when two of them think about, how do I serve the other? And the other one is also thinking, how do I serve you?
[00:25:06] Speaker C: I think when we, when we met, you said a statement that has always been in my mind. I've been running with that.
Marriage and relationship is easier when each person tries to be the best for the other. So imagine what you are saying. I'm in my mindset. Right on. On my mind. I'm trying to.
I'm not trying to get saved. I'm trying to save others. If you're also trying to. It would just be beautiful.
[00:25:29] Speaker A: So you scratch my back, I'm scratching your back. It's almost like I'm tired today.
[00:25:33] Speaker C: Exactly. You know, anybody can do it.
[00:25:35] Speaker A: Exactly. And sometimes you can build them into your. Into your calendar. I. On Sunday, as a husband, you know, when I'm available, I. I have said this to my wife. I always have to massage her because she's going to start a new week.
So we've talked about wisdom. We've talked about knowledge and understanding. We've just talked about empathy and humility. And lastly, we will focus on, well, maybe two. We will talk about communication.
[00:26:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: And then perhaps we'll talk about purpose, which is going to be very key before we wrap up.
[00:26:06] Speaker C: I think communication is also everything.
And not just communication, effective communication. Sometimes when people are. They are communicating or they are talking, they think talking means they are communicating.
[00:26:19] Speaker A: They're communicating. Yeah.
[00:26:20] Speaker C: Right. And one thing we should know is that communication is a combination of a couple of things.
Number one, yes, you are speaking.
[00:26:28] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:26:29] Speaker C: You are thinking.
[00:26:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:26:30] Speaker C: And then you are understanding.
[00:26:32] Speaker A: Exactly. Because you're communicating your thoughts.
[00:26:34] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:26:34] Speaker A: And then you're communicating.
[00:26:36] Speaker C: Sometimes even. I've seen, at some point in, in my life, maybe I'm dealing with people, I realized that it's like I'm saying something before even I'm thinking about it.
[00:26:44] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:26:45] Speaker C: You know? Yeah, that's the. I feel like that's the biggest barrier to people not knowing is that, okay, I'm saying this.
Knowing what to say at what time, knowing how to even see it, how to say it, you know, and that's why even, let's say workplace people will say when you are giving feedback, it should be even constructive. Why is it constructive? It's like you are telling somebody that you've done some, what you've done is terrible. But having a way to say even. See, it's not killing the person's spirit. That's the same way when it comes to relationship and marriage.
[00:27:15] Speaker A: Right.
[00:27:16] Speaker C: Your wife has done something, your girlfriend has done something. Instead of you say, you're so stupid. I don't know what. Is there nothing in your head? Yeah, you can say it in a better way that's not so destructive. Communicated better with. If you don't know how to effectively commune, you'll know if you'll be able. You will just destroy your money. Yeah, you don't even know how to say what to say at what time.
[00:27:38] Speaker A: At what time, you know, it's so important. So because when you are communicating, you are communicating like you said, you're thinking, you're also communicating your emotions.
That's what many people don't also see. So there are some things that are non verbal.
[00:27:51] Speaker B: Yeah, right.
[00:27:52] Speaker A: And so it's like, oh, but, but, but your tone, your tone was wrong, you know, your body language was wrong. You know, a lot of things actually betray you. In fact, many people look at the non verbals more than they hear it louder, you know, and so communication is a, is a complex thing subject. I, I, I say this, that everybody should learn communication. Everybody should try to understand communication. They are, they are thinking frameworks that everybody should have their mental models. You know, there's a book titled Super Communication if you, if you're interested, you can read them. One of the best books I've read actually. And, and like again, back to wisdom, knowledge and understanding. It pains me how less we invest in these things and yet we want to have the best marriage.
We want to relate with people better. No, you, you cannot give what you don't have. Like we just talked about the car. You can't lift it without the right tools. So invest in them. Get to know, you know, how to actually work with them. How to be more patient, you know, how to communicate with more kindness. How to be able to even communicate well. Like I like what you said that the fact that you're not, you're talking does not mean you're communicating again. Communicating, you said. Thinking, understanding and speaking. Of course, communicating really is passing on understanding to the other. So whatever is in your head, how you understand it, you're trying to Pass it on, you know, and the way you are doing that is again, your thinking and your emotions. You are transferring that to whoever is listening or watching you. So it's so important to get this right. It's so important to learn them.
[00:29:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:27] Speaker A: And if. If you.
You may say, oh, I wish my husband was watching. Well, you can send them the video, or I wish my wife was. You can actually watch this together. I think it's going to help you. You. I think these tools are powerful tools that will change anybody's marriage, anybody's relationship. Because a big part of this is that we are not communicating. We're not communicating well. We think. I think it, you know, I said it means you got it. No, like, you thought it, you said it. I didn't get it.
[00:29:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:56] Speaker A: You know, and so you need to be able. Again, sometimes it's not just the one who is speaking. The other side of communication is the one who is hearing it. Because some people can actually communicate so well, and yet you wouldn't get it. You know, there's a reason why a lot of the things that we do. Sometimes I'll project, sometimes I will show with all calculations. Sometimes I'll do numbers. I always say this, that you have a lot of tools. That's why I said there are thinking frameworks that you can use. Mathematics is actually a thinking framework. It's a way to think about things. You can think about.
You know, you can think about things in. In words and language, and you can think about things also in numbers.
[00:30:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:33] Speaker A: Many people don't use that tool. Like, for instance, you're going to make a decision, financial decision. It's like, oh, you know, when we do this and we buy this, I would say this. If it's going to be financial decisions come with numbers. I don't talk to me with words because words would deceive you to think. You got it now you put them in numbers and it's like, oh, boy. You know, when we were in school, we would. Do you remember linear equation?
[00:30:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:57] Speaker A: You know, and then we would do Maybe this X + this equals. Equals Y. And then we will calculate. What they were teaching us is the complexities of. Of life and how we actually effectively relate to them.
[00:31:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:11] Speaker A: But in marriage, we think, oh, and then we know decisions are big decisions to make, especially.
[00:31:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:17] Speaker A: And you want to make sure that you find the best way to communicate it. Sometimes it could be, you remember, even linear question. We had to draw the graphs. I don't know whether you remember that. And then we check and then we'll do the slope and all that. Why?
Because that's the point. To be able to accurately communicate whatever it is that you haven't. And I tell people you can do that. You know, there are some things that you can calculate. Maybe there's. I remember in economics with it future value and present value, you know, PV is equal to. Then you calculate. And then now when it comes to marriage, we just turn everything into words and we think the person should get it. They don't get it. Yeah, you know, I can get it in words, but then it create more problems. This is why I think we argue. We argue because a lot of the things that are happening in our head, we think the other person should get it and they don't. So I would say find other tools to communicate better with. Now you have AI.
It's easy to just say AI, you know, do this, do the math. Sometimes I do that. I say, think about this mathematically. Think about this logically. Present this in a graph. Sincerely, like you've seen it, even with some of our organizations. When I communicate, sometimes I'll do a chat. I'll do graph, I'll do designs.
[00:32:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:32] Speaker A: Because there are better ways to communicate beyond words.
It's not everything that has to be 10 hours of talking, and then after both of you are drained, and guess.
[00:32:41] Speaker C: What, you didn't really achieve anything. And I think one other key point is, let's say, you know, because two people are together.
[00:32:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:49] Speaker C: Sometimes one person may be a better communicator than the other. So if you are the recipient and then your spouse or your boyfriend is not communicating, or try and guide their thoughts.
[00:33:00] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:33:00] Speaker C: Like you do that sometimes. Try to ask me questions. Because sometimes people have so much in their head, but exactly. They are bringing it out. So if you notice that the person is not bringing it out. Well, yeah, you don't need to say.
[00:33:13] Speaker A: Letting them just take a pause and say. Okay, pause.
[00:33:16] Speaker C: Okay, walk me through.
[00:33:17] Speaker A: Exactly. Now you get it.
That's been a lot of years of torture. Take your time. Walk me through your thinking process.
[00:33:24] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:33:25] Speaker A: Okay, so you think this is gonna happen, and then you use questions to.
[00:33:29] Speaker C: Be able to help them.
[00:33:30] Speaker A: And a lot of those communication frameworks. So get them. And the last thing that we talk about is purpose. Oh, my God. Again, back to our effective living model. If you've not seen it, it's on the screen. The apex is purpose.
[00:33:41] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:41] Speaker A: You have no idea how purpose drives everything together. I have said this. That purpose is so powerful that it will make even A pain worth it, I'm telling you.
[00:33:55] Speaker C: Hey, I should give offering. This is deep.
[00:33:57] Speaker A: Oh, man, stop that. You know, it's so powerful that you know people. You've seen people endure things. Like, you go to a hospital, we are cutting your body. What is the point?
The point is perhaps I'm taking a baby out and then a woman is there, and then you're going through it.
[00:34:13] Speaker C: And then some people even do it again. I'm like, again and again.
[00:34:17] Speaker A: You know, you see someone pushing a baby out of them, it's like, oh gosh, you're screaming.
No, no, never again. Some people have actually had sex babies because there is a reason for it.
There is a reason for it. What I have seen in marriages. Sincerely, Vivian.
You're going to go through way too many things.
Purpose is the only thing that will make it worth it. Purpose is the only thing that will carry you through, that will not let you fixated on them, that will not drain you.
[00:34:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:48] Speaker A: Because a lot of people just don't get it. It's like, why are we doing this? Why are we going through this? Like, investment you're gonna make. Sometimes you're going to make investment decisions.
[00:34:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:57] Speaker A: You know, purpose is what will make somebody recognize that. Okay. This is why it's worth it. Like, you and I have a different.
Like we've had different paths. You know, you are an accountant. I'm a social entrepreneur.
A lot of the things I do is not for money. Right. And. But then our ability to be able to go through one time. You know, I remember one time I was going to rent this place. I'm going to take all my savings and. And you're watching me. It's like, what are you doing? Yeah, but you understand that because you already knew my. My goal. You already knew my. I mean, very young, I showed you what I wanted to do.
[00:35:32] Speaker C: 20 year development.
[00:35:33] Speaker A: You know, how I want to do it, what I wanted, the steps I want to take, what your role is going to be. And so many of these things make. Make it make sense. Like what we are doing together right now. You know, it's what drives marriages. It's what makes people feel alive. There's something else to look out for. It could be something fun.
[00:35:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:35:52] Speaker A: You know, it could be having a calendar that you are. You have a shared calendar. It could be people just want to have a reason for whatever we are doing, a reason for what we are going through. They want to see the point of it.
[00:36:08] Speaker B: Like this.
[00:36:09] Speaker A: Okay, I could endure for three years, but what's the point I can be with you, but what's that? Like, people just want to get it. They want to have a reason for it. And I think that's what purpose does. I could say this from a more biblical, but I do not know whether you're Christian or not, Vivian. And so.
But you get it if you both are Christians, that's amazing. Having to submit to a God. Both of you here, and respect and love and seeking the will of that, being that God and driving yourself towards it is everything.
It's everything. You want to add something, I think.
[00:36:49] Speaker C: In line with purpose. Once you've established what's whatever, whether it's a decision or your union or whatever, being together, it translates into planning, right?
[00:36:57] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:57] Speaker C: That helps you plan. Okay, what are we going to do at what time? At when. When are we buying this? When are we doing this? When are you doing this for the kids? You're able to plan, right? Planning how you are using your resources, planning how you're using your energy and how you're using your time. Right now you plan it and then the biggest part of it is the execution.
[00:37:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:17] Speaker C: Intentionality. So, like you are giving an example, right. People feel, oh, we are stressed. The marri just had. Things are happening. But now you plan that. Okay, we, we are going to have like a date night.
[00:37:27] Speaker A: Right.
[00:37:28] Speaker C: Because it's all if for those of you are married. Married. You know, I always tell my ladies that keep dating yourself, even in marriage, right?
[00:37:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:35] Speaker C: Setting up. It doesn't. You don't sometimes.
[00:37:37] Speaker A: We had a date night yesterday.
[00:37:39] Speaker C: Yesterday, Exactly. We don't. Some of the things you don't need much. So don't say we put all our money in investment. I mean, keep on dating yourself, even in marriage. Have fun. Be, you know, be fun, fun. Like enjoy yourself.
[00:37:49] Speaker A: Like people think purpose is boring. Like purpose is let's do business, let's do ministry.
[00:37:54] Speaker C: You can do all that, but still let that fire, you know, keep up whether it's relationship or whether it's marriage. Also, you know, in your plan, even.
[00:38:03] Speaker A: When kids are in.
[00:38:04] Speaker C: Even when kids are in, how do we spend time with our kids? How do we, you know, be part of their development? Let society develop them for you.
[00:38:11] Speaker A: Right.
[00:38:12] Speaker C: So planning being very deliberate about execution.
[00:38:16] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:38:17] Speaker C: Executing it.
[00:38:18] Speaker A: Yeah. Think about purpose. Like the end of whatever you want to achieve in life. What success means to you, you know, at the end of your life, what was success look like? What will you look at and say, wow, you know, I, I got, I got done. I. And this is. And gives Me fulfillment. Because I tell you what we are really looking for is some kind of satisfaction. You know, that's it. When you know, when you are satisfied, you don't want anything else sincerely. When you are emotionally satisfied, you're not looking for something else anywhere. A lot of these things cheating and it's because of sadness we are looking for. It's almost like when you want to eat some kind of food and you eat it immediately, you don't want to eat again or you don't utility, you know, diminishing marginal returns. You just kind of, you know, you're utility just begins to fall from whatever extra you take. You. You're not really kind of gaining anything. So you. That's the thing about life. When you are sexually satisfied, when you are financially satisfied. Like when people are satisfied, they are not looking for anything. So what you're really looking for in life is that place of satisfaction. And what is, what is it? What will make you satisfied at the end of the day when you are done with life, what will you look? Is it a cars, is it the houses? Or what will make you feel like, you know, I'm satisfied. That is purpose. So when you look at a model, purpose is the apex is the, is that place, is that thing that drives you. It's what brings you up. It's like the is the mountaintop that is bringing you up there. And all the other things are in between the pain. You can go through it. But so far as you can tell, this is where I'm getting to and how I'm getting there. If you're a couple, knowing how to get there to together is beautiful.
That means different things for different people, you know, but working it out together, it's not just by saying this is what I want and that's all. No, it's just about collaborating. That's what marriage is about, is a partnership. We want to get to this place together. We have done that like you see in our model, health wise we want to get here and we've been, well, you know, both of us have kept in our weight for a while. Like sometimes we go to the gym.
[00:40:25] Speaker C: After the baby, we try to go.
[00:40:26] Speaker A: To the gym together. Don't mind her, but she's done. Yeah, you know, just going to the gym together, just being careful without eating. She comes to bed with popcorn around 11 o' clock and then it's like, you know, being checks on each other. That's what purpose is, right Financially, like, okay, you can spend this, you can spend that, you can go here you can go there. No, we can't make that decision. Let's wait for the right time. When the right time is up, we will do ABCD and being able to just work it out together when it comes to work and career, you know, I have to get this. Cause then I want, I want to make this happen. Okay, what can I do to help? You know, I also want to do this. How can you help? Yeah, ministry wise, that, that is what drives union. When people, you know, you, you see a lot of people go to workplace and they fall in love. So why. Because they're working things together. Like that's, you know, when, when people work together, when they are together on something, on a particular thing that that brings their passion to life, it just, it just kicks them up. So Vivian, I hope that works. I hope that you got it. Wisdom, knowledge and understand it.
Empathy and humility. And the fourth one that we talked about was communication. Communication, effective communication. And lastly, purpose. I think these are powerful tools that will make relationship and marriage worth it and easy. I'm not saying, I'm not saying it's going to solve all problems. No, it's going to give you just the tools to navigate all problems.
[00:41:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:41:57] Speaker A: And that will make you feel better. So thank you all for sticking around. We're going to be back. We're back for good. If you've not gotten our effective living journal, go ahead and get it. If you've not gotten our notion system, go ahead and get it. Visit our website mygrowthcloud.org and you'll find them there. Many people are enjoying. Join them. I'm telling you, you don't want to be missing out on them. If you've not subscribed, go ahead and subscribe to our channel. We will be back another time. Thank you so much, my baby girl for being here. Catch you next time. Bye bye.
