Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Okay. They want their wives to start acting that woman, the successful woman they have for themselves in. In that marriage. And so they forget that no, they married. You know, A is not Michelle Obama. And so they're expecting A to behave.
[00:00:19] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:00:20] Speaker A: You know, ao should be some.
[00:00:23] Speaker B: It's kind of interesting how she eat, how she talks.
[00:00:26] Speaker A: I tell you. And sometimes what happens is how do you define.
[00:00:30] Speaker B: How do I define mind? Do I think I'm successful now? I'm like. I was like, no, I don't think so. Because I don't have the car. I always said, buy me a range over evoke. So I didn't have that. I didn't have certain things. I didn't have an amount of money in my account. So I think I had associated, you know, those things. Right?
[00:00:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: To have it. And I. I mean, I think that's that. That status where the ceiling. Where I saw that when I have all those.
[00:00:58] Speaker A: You feel good. Feel good.
Hello and welcome to my growth club. Thank you for tuning in. My name is Emmanuel.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: And my name is Grace.
[00:01:13] Speaker A: We are your partner in growth and effective living. We want to say thank you, really, for always being here with us. If you've not subscribed to our channel, I think this will be a good time for you to do that. We have wonderful things to share with you like we've been doing. We've been talking about some things that are important to life. You know, we have been on this journey for a while, for about five years of research, extensively on life and how we should live it. There's some things that we have found that we had to throw away. There are some things that we are learning and we just want to share those things with you. In the last two episodes, we talked about choices and why it matters most. In the last episode, we talked about how. How arguments are necessary for making right choices, making us to come to that place where we kind of look at everyone's perspective, right, and listen to people without fighting and screaming and shouting and draining all our energy. And today I want to talk about something that both of us. I think it was the beginning of our journey, really.
I remember one time I told you, I mean, after we listed down all the things that we are. We are learning, you know, we put all the research work together. I told you that.
Why does this even matter? Why don't we just set ourselves on this kind of adventure and just live life? You know, just live life. Like if things go wrong, then what it's like, just. Just live life and we Realize that there is something that whenever we go this way, we begin to feel, and when we go that way, we begin to feel. And I said to you that I think we are either running away from something, like we are trying to. Yeah. Or run into something. We are trying to avoid a particular state, and we are trying to get to a particular state. So what is that state? What are we trying to avoid? You know, for instance, a lot of people marry because they're trying to avoid that state of singleness.
[00:03:14] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:03:15] Speaker B: And I mean, sometimes the society. How the society even, you know, will make you feel that, okay, if you're a lady, your clock is ticking, you know. Right.
[00:03:22] Speaker A: So. And it seemed like you're incomplete and you have to.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: And so people make it seem away from that state.
[00:03:28] Speaker A: Exactly. People make it seem as if. Like they. As if they. They are marrying because they really want to, but they want to because they want to avoid that state.
[00:03:40] Speaker C: Yep.
[00:03:41] Speaker A: You know, because that state doesn't make them feel good.
[00:03:44] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:45] Speaker A: And so there was this feel good that we are chasing. I'm serious. And there was this feeling that we want to avoid, you know, this. Like, I'm not good enough. Like I'm not beautiful enough, like I'm not, you know, all those kind of things that we avoided. And so I am thankful that we had to talk about that. Like, we needed. We needed to really talk about it. And I think the common feeling was the feeling of success.
It's like, we want to feel successful.
[00:04:14] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:04:14] Speaker B: You remember you asked me that, what do I think a successful life is?
[00:04:20] Speaker A: How do you define success?
[00:04:21] Speaker B: How do I define. Do I think I'm successful now? I'm like. I was like, no, I don't think so. Because I don't have the car. I always said, buy me a range over evoke. So I didn't have that. I didn't have certain things. I didn't have an amount of money in my account. So I think I had associated, you know, those things. Right.
[00:04:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:43] Speaker B: To have it. And I. I mean, I think that's that status where the feeling where I thought that when I have all those things, you're good.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: I feel good.
So, you know, and you know, you're very interesting. And I. Like I told you, it's not just you. I think it's all of us. We have this.
I think we got them from movies. I'm not sure. But somewhere, somehow, there is a picture of sasses that have that. That has been created in our minds. And that's why in the journal, there's a part where I talk about defining sauces.
[00:05:17] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:18] Speaker A: Because that picture is there. Your brain has associated a couple of things.
[00:05:23] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:24] Speaker A: You know, two sasses.
[00:05:25] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:05:26] Speaker A: And so what happens is, okay, this, that, that, that, that when you are in this, then you are successful. It is there in your mind. And many times we, we. We hardly confront them. Nobody will ever talk about that. So we kind of grow with it. And as we grow, we form them, we keep forming. So someone, especially men. There is this thing in our mind where a successful man is a man who goes to work, he comes home, the wife will see him.
[00:05:55] Speaker B: Oh, my God. Honey, can I take off your jacket?
[00:05:58] Speaker A: Exactly. And. And there is food, and the children are coming around.
[00:06:01] Speaker B: Daddy.
[00:06:02] Speaker A: And. And all of those kind of things. And so that is there. Now the problem. I'm not saying that. It's not. I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is that the problem is when we are not able to achieve that.
[00:06:15] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: What I realized, even with a lot of people, is whilst, you know, they are trying to kind of achieve things, they are moving towards that state.
[00:06:27] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:06:27] Speaker A: They want to reach that state. And so maybe we want to buy this, we want to buy that. We want to get this. We want to get this property, we want to get that. We want to have children. All of them are good. Not necessarily because of the worth of it to them.
[00:06:40] Speaker B: To them.
[00:06:40] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:06:41] Speaker A: But it's just because in your mind, that is what a successful life looks like until they get there and they realize that, oh, wait, what? It's not even realistic.
It's not realistic that life does not exist. You know, there are people that they look at Obama and maybe Michelle Obama and then like, as black people, like, oh, my goodness, like, that's my dream. You know, I remember back in school, there are people that was like, oh, I want this kind of woman who is this height. And like, the way it's. It's just an interesting thing. And it's just there is a mental image of success. And so they get that. And then the next thing is, okay, they want their wives to start acting.
[00:07:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: That woman, the successful woman they have for themselves in. In that marriage. And so they forget that. No, they married. You know, Ajakoto is not Michelle Obama. And so they're expecting a drug to behave. You know, Ajakoto should be some.
[00:07:45] Speaker B: It's kind of interesting how she eats, how she talks, I tell you.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: And sometimes what happens is like, okay, so we talked about choices. That's what is driving their choices. They don't realize it. So they buy this, they do this, they get this and they are like, okay, but when I came home, my chocolato is not serving me food. Ajakoto is also tired. Ajoko Toy is also a human being like me. A jokoto is also a career person. And they forget about all of it. Because what is happening is, you know, when we talk about the identity behavior, you know, you see the beliefs affecting perception and then expectations and emotions. I mean, people can have it also the other way around. But the truth of the matter is this what they have believed about success.
[00:08:30] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:31] Speaker A: Is what is causing the way they perceive things.
[00:08:33] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:33] Speaker A: And so they come home and they are mad.
[00:08:36] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:36] Speaker A: They're talking to their wives. Anyhow, they are complaining about everything. I don't know whether you've noticed that even in marriages, the one with more expectations.
[00:08:45] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:46] Speaker A: Tend to be the one who complains a lot.
[00:08:48] Speaker B: Yes. Who is always disappointed. Right. Like you give the example about someone who has created a particular image of a wife. You know, the wife should be like this, should be like that. So it's like the person has kind of assumed a state where the person feels he's perfect. Technically, let's say if it's the guy. Right. You keep having back to back expectations of the wife.
[00:09:10] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:11] Speaker B: So it will you see the person complaining. So why are you not doing this? Why haven't you done this to me? So it's like in your mind you have created like it's a. It's more like you're in a movie. Right. Where you've created a character. So day after day, if the person is not reaching that. That thing you have defined for yourself as a successful life in which your wife is playing a role, then you.
[00:09:33] Speaker A: Always disappointed and you're w. Arguing and it's such a powerful thing, you know, because the people no more are perceived as human.
[00:09:42] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:09:42] Speaker C: Right.
[00:09:43] Speaker A: Like we only look at them as like they're not like human beings anymore. To us they're like this perfect wife. In your. In your mind. Right. Which. And by the way, it's not your fault human beings are like that. We do it with almost everything. Right. Almost everything. Expectations literally drive the way we do things. Like the expectations that we have when. When we marry, we expect something. That is why we are married. When we things we expect to reach a particular goal or a particular state. So it's not your fault. I hope people don't get us wrong. But what is happening with you is being able to confront.
[00:10:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:10:21] Speaker A: What that. And the mind is Good with stories. So it's like. And that's why I said I probably want to assume that it came from movies, because many people have not even seen what they want in real life. Like, your parents were not like that. But then again, many times we've seen. We've watched so many movies.
So I'm very careful with the kind of movies we watch. But we've watched a lot of movies that have that. That have created all these things and put them all together that, oh, this is that perfect marriage. And because this is a perfect marriage, people are expecting their spouses to be like that and they cease to be humans.
[00:11:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:00] Speaker A: So the same thing without flaws. Exactly. So they want you to dress this way and talk this way. I used to be that when we started dating, where I cared about what you. You wear, I care about the way you talk. I care about. And I said to myself that, wait, if you did the same thing to me, we are not going anywhere in this relationship. And so what is the point? And so I told you that my biggest challenge.
[00:11:26] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:27] Speaker A: Is loving you for who you are.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: Now and wanting me to be better.
[00:11:30] Speaker A: And wanting you to be better than who.
[00:11:32] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:33] Speaker A: And so I'm not going to force it.
[00:11:35] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:35] Speaker A: What we are going to do is you will want to. I want you to want to be better for yourself.
[00:11:41] Speaker B: For myself. Yeah.
[00:11:42] Speaker A: I want you to find those areas I will share with you, areas I think you can improve. But I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I'm not going to be on your neck over it. I'm not going to say do this and do that and do this and do that. If I find things that I think you could have done better, I'm just gonna. If I think I can do it, I do it. And if I. I say, you know, I picked this, I picked that, I picked that, I picked that, I picked that, I picked that. I don't know where your mind is, but I think you're just throwing away things, like in ways I don't.
[00:12:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:12] Speaker A: And then I just say that. Right. And then we kind of move on.
[00:12:14] Speaker B: I remember this thing we talking about when we're University of Ghana. You said something at that time when you made that statement, and I felt it was very profound because you were like, a good relationship is when both parties are trying to do grow and be better for each other.
[00:12:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:33] Speaker B: Expecting new.
[00:12:34] Speaker A: I think it's still true now.
[00:12:35] Speaker B: It's still true. Like, I'm not expecting, okay, do this for me. But if we are on a Constant, you know, pursuit of growth for each other.
[00:12:42] Speaker A: And it's important, I mean, even when we say a good relationship again, like, what is who? You know, people don't know these things in terms of, like, there's no one who is defining success. Like, I've tried to read and I've listened to people even 100 and something years and nobody's able to tell what this life is about in the first place. People can tell you what is a successful life experiences. But what I think people have done is people have different images or mental images of, for, for instance, what is success to them.
[00:13:12] Speaker B: And it's very important also because that's why, because the difference in definition of success. Right. I've ever looked at people whom I felt they were not happy in the states they were in, but I'm like.
[00:13:25] Speaker A: Wait, they have everything.
[00:13:26] Speaker B: You have everything. Me, I don't have abcd. And that's how I, I, my mind just, I just can't understand, you know.
[00:13:32] Speaker A: Because, and I think because I have.
[00:13:35] Speaker B: Seen that life exactly. Or define that as my successful life.
[00:13:38] Speaker A: That's true.
[00:13:38] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:39] Speaker A: And that's true. And, and that's the, that's the thing I have seen even with me, with us.
[00:13:44] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:45] Speaker A: And I remember when we talked about this, we talked about the state of flourishing and I said, listen, yeah, I, I think that for me, yeah, this is where we, what we are going to work towards.
[00:13:55] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: Okay. Success is not a particular thing we are going to achieve. It's not. But we want to reach the state of flourishing and we put this design, that, this model that we are showing what we call the state of flourishing, the effective living model. And the reason why this is profound is I told you then that what I want to have is when I wake up in the morning, what is my state of being?
If my state of being is in this state of flourishing in that I have love in my heart, I have no resentment towards someone, I have no hate. It's not at war with people. I'm not fighting people, I'm not thinking about that. To me, it's the feel good. And this is how I'm serious. I've attached happiness to this.
And so when I wake up in the morning and that I don't have love, I don't feel that. I feel like my heart is at war with you. I am not in the first place. And I'm not like, I'm not happy as though you have to make me happy. I'm not happy as though I'm going to do Something about it. Because I want to always be in this state. I want to be in a state where my heart is not at war with you. It's not at war with my children. It's not at war with my in laws, it's not at war with my friends.
[00:15:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:11] Speaker A: I want to be in that state and I realize, oh, it makes me feel much better.
[00:15:16] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:16] Speaker A: Because it's not tied to things. There's something they call the hedonic adaptation. Basically what it, what it, what it means.
[00:15:23] Speaker B: I never heard that.
[00:15:25] Speaker A: But, but basically I, I mean, I. Basically what it means is you have people who is like, the human expectations in life are like, we think that, okay, if I get this, I'm gonna be happy.
[00:15:39] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:39] Speaker A: Right.
[00:15:40] Speaker B: Then you get it.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: But you will be happy, but for a short while and then you're going to return to your default state or emotional state.
[00:15:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:50] Speaker A: This is why many people achieve things. They get happy and then they come back to it and they don't understand why they are not happy. Because when you tie your happiness, when you tie your happiness to just achieving things, what happens is that you will get happy. Okay. It's almost like the way in, in economics we talk about the diminishing marginal returns. It's like you reach the maximum utility or satisfaction and then it's going to just, you know, there is all. It's always going to plateau, it's always going to fall, and then you come back down and then you come to your baseline default emotional state. And so what is your baseline default emotional state? That is really your state of happiness or success, whatever you want to call it. And so I felt that, okay, the state that we want to be is the state of flourishing.
[00:16:35] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:36] Speaker A: Where I have growth mindset.
[00:16:37] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:38] Speaker A: You know, remember recently we had very challenging time.
[00:16:41] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:42] Speaker A: And. And one of the things that I, I told you was the fact that you are perceiving it this way, that you're looking at the opportunity for you to get something better. The opportunity do something better. And to. I said that is what makes me happy.
[00:17:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:00] Speaker A: It's not in the things is not. It's just the op. The growth mindset. And so I always say this. If I begin to perceive things from a growth mindset, like a growth perspective, I begin to have a lens where I see, okay, there is an opportunity to grow. There is an opportunity to get better. There is an opportunity to learn.
[00:17:21] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:21] Speaker A: I am happy. I don't care about the challenge. I don't care about what we get.
[00:17:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:25] Speaker A: So I just realized how those are also affecting even our area. I talked recently even about our relationship. You know, when. When your mom came.
[00:17:35] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I remember when my mom came, I was like, I came. I was just dancing. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so free. And I'm like, I'm sure you are so excited, right, that now you don't need to, you know, have the baby all night and all that. And you were like, no, it's not just that. Of course you are happy that you have help.
[00:17:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:55] Speaker B: But you want to see yourself in the life of your children. Be with them, play with them, be there for them. And I thought it was profound because I was like, oh, okay. So it's not really like, you know, sometimes like, oh, I know some of my friends are like, oh, now you are. You are so free.
[00:18:09] Speaker A: It's like you've given birth. Someone takes care of your child.
[00:18:13] Speaker B: Free doing what? But the moment you said that, in fact, I was dancing, dancing. And I paused because I was like, okay, yeah, it's not like we are overly excited. Yeah, we are. We thank God for that. But being in, in. In their lives, being. I mean, having time to spend with each other. Yeah, it's very good. And that is one other way. Our relationship is important to us. So taking daily steps towards making our relationship with each other better, our relationship with our children, with our children, with our siblings, with our friends, that is what. It's a state of flourishing where my children are not. Sometimes we have. We chase that. What we are talking about. Like, we chase a particular. Okay, I want to buy this. I want to get to this level. But then I don't even have time to be there for my children.
[00:18:54] Speaker A: Yeah. And, and that's, that's so true. I mean, it's not like you have to be at that perfect state. That's the thing. It's a. You know, there is.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: There is gradual commitments.
[00:19:04] Speaker A: I'm telling you, there's something we call effective forecasting.
Basically what they mean is we attach this intensive and. And long, you know, emotion towards those things that are going to happen in the future when we know that in reality, it doesn't even take long. It's like, okay, if I get this certificate, if I get this. And then you got it. And then it takes like the day you are happy, and then the next day you are like, okay. And then after the month, it's like everybody's going on with your life as though all these things that I was struggling for, it didn't matter. It doesn't mean those things are not important. Yeah, but what is important is, are these things like for us, are we making progress towards our wealth? Are we making progress towards our health? Are we making progress towards our relationship? Are we making progress towards our work? And you know, and, and how these our priorities and principles are feeding into our values and giving us an overall sense of purpose. And for me, I feel much better when I. And many people can also, you know, have different ways, you know, because like I said, it's always about us chasing a particular feeling, a feel good feeling. Like we want to feel good. You know, we just want to, we want to feel good about ourselves. And that may be that we want to feel proud, we want to feel excited, we want to feel wasted. You know, we just, that's why people go to the club. Like we just are chasing feeling good. But the question is, what have you attached that feeling good to? Yeah, that's the thing. What have you attached the feeling good to? If someone attaches. This is where addictions are for. If you attach a feel good to let's say, let's say an alcohol and then you continue to take it and sometimes it's not like you did it, the thing actually felt good, you know, you get what I mean? So it's not like you are doing deliberate doing it. But if that's what your brain is doing, which sometimes is not even in your control, what will happen is that your brain is always going to just try and move you towards that feel good thing. And so people feel like alcohol is. Makes me feel so good, feel on.
[00:21:16] Speaker B: Top of the world.
[00:21:16] Speaker A: And so you cannot stop taking alcohol. Some people even attach feel good to sex. Yeah, like sex makes me feel good and so I cannot stop having. Having sex. Your brain just attaches that feel good to different things. And, and what I think people should do is to sit and confront. What does success mean to me?
[00:21:38] Speaker B: What does my associated success with exactly?
[00:21:42] Speaker A: What is this, what is this thing that is going on in my head and then be able to deal with it. Another part of it is that many times something can be good and you may not feel good about it. Yeah, something can be bad and you may feel good about it. You want to be careful.
[00:22:00] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
[00:22:01] Speaker A: I mean we've seen it before. Have you ever, you know, been hurt and yet you didn't feel any pain?
[00:22:07] Speaker B: Like recently Ethan had. We saw Ethan.
[00:22:10] Speaker A: There was blood everywhere and the guy was just playing.
[00:22:12] Speaker B: Ethan, are you hurt? He didn't even feel anything.
[00:22:15] Speaker A: But he was.
[00:22:16] Speaker B: Knew he was head.
[00:22:16] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:17] Speaker A: But he was head.
[00:22:17] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:18] Speaker A: And, and I think what, what people, what we all do is if I feel good, it is good.
[00:22:23] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:24] Speaker A: No, it's not true.
[00:22:26] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:26] Speaker A: If you feel good, it's not always good. Of course, sometimes if you feel bad about something, your emotion, you know, your feelings are always talking to you about something, but there's a reason why you feel the way you feel.
[00:22:40] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:41] Speaker A: For instance, sometimes, like if I touch something that hurts you, it's. It's gonna feel hurt. Do you understand? It's really gonna feel hurt. Or like you wake up in the morning.
[00:22:51] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:51] Speaker A: And then you don't feel well, you have headache, you feel, you feel unwell.
[00:22:57] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:57] Speaker A: So your feeling is telling you that something is wrong. That's what your feelings are doing. They're really communicating to you that something is wrong. You know, internally or externally. That's what he's doing. But your feeling by itself will not always tell you if something is good or something is bad. It is not always going to be like that.
The way you're going to interpret whether something is good and bad as oftentimes your own beliefs about those things, your own expectations about them. So if I have this part, this kind of expectation, and then that expectation is not met. Yeah, I'm going to feel something. Your feeling is going to tell you that, hey, you expected this, right? And it didn't happen. Like, if I expect my team to win and then my team lost, I'm not gonna feel happy. Your feeling is just gonna say, oh, you expected your team to win. It's like, it's like your feeling is always telling you that, hey, something happened. You know, like, it's not like you don't know, but it's just telling you that something happened. Okay. Or something has happened to you, Something that is not desired has happened, something that is not pleasurable has happened. Or something that is pleasurable is happening to you. So that you are able to know that, okay, this is what is happening. If you live your life always, you know, chasing feelings, you are going to be the most frustrated and you're going to be the most unhappy. That's true.
[00:24:21] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:24:21] Speaker A: And I think that a lot of us make choices chasing those feelings and those don't really. You can be successful and not feel successful.
[00:24:31] Speaker B: I know that you can even be in a very good relationship, I mean, good in code relationship, but you still not feel loved. So I think one critical thing about the expectations you just mentioned is people should always bear in mind that it's very important that you move your expectations, you know, closer to reality as much as possible.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: That's so true.
[00:24:55] Speaker B: Like the example we gave you are with Agua Kuto. You are expecting Ajua Koto to be like Michelle Obama. It's good. It's like you want.
[00:25:03] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: Don't let that like be the more.
[00:25:07] Speaker A: The more you're gonna be.
[00:25:09] Speaker B: So move it close. And that's where you feel happy. Yeah, of course. Do your best. You know, like you said, sometimes something you feel like we all both of us know that okay maybe what I'm doing is not I can even acknowledge myself. I can be better. That's why we talked about growth mindset. So you can help but don't automatically.
[00:25:26] Speaker A: To be the best version of a job or you don't even need to focus on yourself, focus on you.
I mean I get it. I mean we're married so it's difficult to do that. I understand. But focus on humor and. And like I said like if you're going to help people use teaching.
[00:25:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:25:42] Speaker A: As in like we have a skill sharing program every Saturday where we are going to teach the part where we all don't know. And you have a slot. I have a slot. Ajakuto has something to teach. He's going to teach and then. And it's a good. Maybe you're going to teach, you know how to make food or how to.
[00:26:00] Speaker B: We have to repeat the lessons on Jolof cuz after I thought to you.
It's still not up to the level of my expectations.
[00:26:08] Speaker A: I've not even cooked yet.
Don't do that.
Don't do that. But I'm going to, I'm going to surprise you.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: You say okay.
[00:26:18] Speaker A: And so what happens is you know, you focus on you. Yeah, I'm serious. The one who expect less. It's going to be more happy. But again there's also a caveat to that because we talked about what you place value often time. If you try to fix just your expectation without fixing your beliefs. That's what we talk about. You know, the identity behavior cycle. You want to go a little back to fix your beliefs.
[00:26:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:46] Speaker A: What you have placed value what you believe to be this. Because if you don't and you just try to work on your expectation, you realize that it's not possible. It's gonna feel like these people are giving advice. That is not true. Because the underlining belief is the problem. It is actually the problem. Like why do you believe that this is like the life for you. Why do you believe that this is the good Life. Why do you, you know, why do you place value on these things? And I think that if people kind of work towards some of these things, it's really going to be help helpful to them. Because I know that many people ask themselves, you know, why did I make this choice? Well, I tell you, today you made that choice because either you are moving away, you're avoiding a particular state of being, or you are running away from a particular state of being, or you are running towards another state of, another side of. Whilst you're running away, you're running to something. That's the truth. Right, but. But then sometimes the focus is where the problem is. Because whilst you are also focusing on running to something, you are running from something. But if your focus is also running from something, that you are running to something. So people are married, they found themselves as married people.
Really, that's not what they ever wanted. But they were just running away from being seen as a single person. And, you know, seem like, where is your husband?
[00:28:10] Speaker B: When you go to church? You don't have someone who loves married ladies. Can you get up? No.
[00:28:14] Speaker A: And now you are in the marriage. You see us, you see a level, you know, you're married.
And then now it's like, yeah, okay, so I'm married. Oh, okay, yeah, I'm married. But they don't want to be a wife. They don't want to.
[00:28:26] Speaker B: Not even prepared themselves to be. Of course, it's not like you can be fully prepared.
[00:28:29] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:28:30] Speaker B: I'm not like how I was six years ago.
[00:28:32] Speaker A: People don't even know what they're doing in there. They just don't know what they're doing. Like, they really don't know what they are doing.
[00:28:38] Speaker B: Stages in the staircase.
[00:28:40] Speaker A: Especially men, when men marry, sometimes it's a sharp. They just don't want to turn off that thing in their mind that they are still not married. Yeah, like, yeah, they still, they're married because maybe your dad says, hey, you're 35, so you're married, but yet still children. Yeah, they are still the boy that is not married.
[00:28:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:28:59] Speaker A: So they're still texting people, they're still watching things, they're still doing things as though they're not married. Yeah, you married? We forgot to get married. And so that's the thing. So we are kind of moving away from things and then we get ourselves into different things. But what we want to end with is if you can take maybe our model, maybe if you can. I think it will be helpful because.
[00:29:21] Speaker B: It'S really helpful to us.
[00:29:23] Speaker A: I mean, we call it the state of flourishing. So if you want it, you can look at it. And every day you ask yourself, where am I? You know, just this. Where am I? You don't want to overdo that, as though if you are not in that state, you are not happy. That's why we talk about a growth mindset. It is not a perfect state. It is a thing that you're kind of growing into. And every single day you are looking at daily. You know, how. How am I, how am I up my principles?
[00:29:50] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:29:50] Speaker A: You know, working. How are they working? Or I'm disregarding my principles, you know, my priorities. Am I. Am I paying attention to my priorities? Am I prioritizing the things that really.
[00:30:01] Speaker B: Matter most value to me?
[00:30:04] Speaker A: Exactly. Am I doing things with purpose? Am I applying the knowledge I'm getting, you know, in a way that provides skills to the things that matter to me? That's what we call wisdom. So if you can just look at those things and then you're like, okay, I'm making progress. I'm making progress, then you realize that, oh, you always have this because you're, you're. The feel good feeling is kind of tired.
[00:30:29] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:30:30] Speaker A: To, to something that is close to reality is something that is realistic. It's not like, yeah, things that are not realistic. Where you are like, you know, like, like. Or like, imagine you went to buy a house and you have a child and you want to have all these things. You have a car and. And you really imagine yourself in like, the way the movies are, where you parked your car in the garage and then you, you got there and the woman came to pick the jacket and they gave you a kiss and you sit down some. And then after getting all of that, you enter home and it's like nobody's actually home sometimes.
[00:31:08] Speaker B: Or even if they are home, they're on their laptop also working, trying to.
[00:31:11] Speaker A: Realistic. That's. That, that's. That's even annoying. It's like, like, why didn't you come and hug me? I'm not saying don't hug. But then you realize that the reason why you're frustrated is because those expectations are not being met and that that leads to more frustration. And the truth is that some people even realize that. Oh. But by the time they get to that state, their children have gone out of the house. Like, they've gone to high school or they've gone to universities.
So, like, people's realities are really different. I guess. Like, you can say everyone's life is going to be like, that. But you want to set your own self down and be as honest and truthful with yourself and tell yourself, okay, this is what a successful life is to us. Or to me, if you're married to us.
[00:31:58] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:31:59] Speaker A: That is why our journal is available on Amazon for you to purchase. It's called the Effective Living Journal. Go get it. So that you. We're not trying to force our life on you. We want you to. That's why we've made a journal so that you can. You can think through your own life. You can define life and success for your own self and you can actually track the things that do matter and set your own principles in a way that will help you. I want to say thank you for being here and for this conversation. I. I think I enjoyed it.
[00:32:30] Speaker B: I did too.
[00:32:30] Speaker A: And I hope you also enjoyed it. If you've not subscribed again, please go ahead and subscribe. Do well to check our website mygrowthclub.org we have amazing tools and systems that will help you. We have systems that we build with notion that will help you live better and if effectively. You can check out our family system. Amazing system. It's like our whole life, you know. You know, put in one place not like us, but everyone you know, if you're a couple, if you're a family. And you can also look for the effective living system if you are single. It's also there. We have free systems like our Bible Study 6 system that will help you also. So. So go check them out and we will catch you on another time on my Growth Club. Please. Again, if you've not subscribed, do well to subscribe. Thank you and do have a wonderful weekend. Bye.
